After you’ve started going out with him, he shows that he is responsible. Has a good paying job. Equally important, he makes every effort to treat you like the woman he would want to marry. Over the course of the courtship, you’ve shown that you are a great help in his life. He trusts your “help” and you have been there, supportive of most of the things he purposes to do in life.
You’ve found that you compliment each other, and he finally reaches a point to where you are indispensable. He depends upon you and you depend upon him.
He takes his time because that’s the way it is with most men. Most men take more time than a woman is willing to understand. He is about to commit to one woman and for most men, it’s the most challenging aspect of relationships.
Marriage is a very important, life changing event.
He spent some time making up his mind. For most women, way too much time. He worked hard to muster up the courage to propose. He worked hard to give you an indication that he is the right man.
“Mr. Right” is hard to come by these days. But unbeknownst to women, with for every 3 or 4 woman to 1 man, Mrs. Right is just as hard to come by too.
Most women think that it should be an easy choice, but it isn’t.
The Lord said in the Word of God that “What God has joined together, let not man put asunder.”
Meaning that the union is part of the plan of God. However, the Bible also says, “He that finds a wife, finds good, and obtains favor from the Lord.”
The man must spend time finding the right one that is right for him.
Not every man is right and not every woman is right.
God certainly doesn’t join incompatible people. It doesn’t make any sense to get married, separate over irreconcilable differences, and later, end it all in divorce. Matthew 19:4-10 is a good reason why it doesn’t make any sense.
As a note, when you see two people constantly going head to head over major and trivial issues without reconciliation, it is a good indication that the signs of incompatibility exists and to ignore these signs is no different than reading a sign “DEAD END,” but you keep driving, disbelieving in complete ignorance what that sign said.
That’s what makes courting so challenging and in some cases, rewarding for both prospective couples.
Up to the last moment, before the proposal, he is still calculating, analyzing, and critiquing his decision. He wants to be absolutely sure that she is the one.
A man will go through a maze of certain aspects and questions that brings him to a decision or indecision. He becomes more deliberate in his deliberation. Sometimes to the point of second guessing and over-analysis that brings some men to a point of mental paralysis.
This form of “hesitation” is exhibited in a change of his behavior.
Over the course of the courtship, a few events will always transpire that will bring questions to each couple. So challenging that sometimes, Mr. Right and Miss. Right will question themselves if their relationship is wrong.
But this is where they begin to really see each other under pressing and stressing conditions. Whether they could weather through some turbulent times in just the planning of the wedding.
The woman is looking for her fiancé to approve the details of the wedding. Some men like to be that involved and others, for the most part, will not be as involved. It is not a sign that he is disinterested because he is probably thinking about other issues.
Where to live?
Will his job be enough to handle the addition of another person?
Children isn’t on his mind but in any marriage, children will add to the stress for both.
The wedding day is the most important day for a woman. For the man too but in a different way.
She meticulously plans every detail. She puts her every effort to make that day the most memorable moment of her life.
On that day, it’s all about the bride.
She accepted the proposal of her new male fiancé and in her mind, she releases her excitement. That moment becomes the pinnacle of her life.
After the excitement of accepting the proposal, with her new engagement ring to “flash” around to her girlfriends, she shifts gears. Or she is modest about it but other females begin to notice what’s on her left ring finger that wasn’t there yesterday.
She discusses the date of her wedding with her fiancé, which is normal because all other plans hinge on establishing the date of matrimony.
But what about her fiancé?
He is excited that his fiancé accepted his proposal.
With planning a wedding, many women want to know if her fiancé is equally excited about the planning aspect. She wants to feel that her fiancé is involved and interested.
It is here that many women feel that they are sometimes all alone when he seems disinterested.
Any feedback is met with a man’s “generalized” answers that seem distant, cold and disconnected. That connection that you once had when the proposal came, became a distant memory.
But is there a disconnection?
For most men, the connection is still there whether he says something or not.
He hasn’t changed his mind and is confident in his selection. Otherwise, he would not have proposed.
What goes on in the mind of a man when a woman begins planning the wedding?
As the day of matrimony gets closer, he is concentrating on what’s about to happen afterwards. While you are planning the wedding, you too are also planning for what is abut to happen afterwards, but it all begins with your arrangement of the most important day of your life.
The man is going through several things.
He is establishing his mentality.
What does that mean?
It means that he is mentally preparing himself to live with you. And you are already doing the same. Whether you realize it or not, as the day gets closer, the nerves get uneasy. It’s normal because neither of you have been this way before.
The “unknown” has a way of doing this.
It means that he is determining what needs to be done just like you are determining what needs to be done.
There is no need to “PUSH” each other and apply more pressure on top of the pressure each of you is experiencing.
It seems like he is going in the opposite direction but unbeknownst to you, it is in tandem with what you are doing.
It is here that attitudes will adjust or fly off the handle. Nervousness of the unknown, and “Murphy’s Law” will be in operation. While no one wants anything to go wrong, either with the planning of the wedding or the marriage, it is here that you may see the best bonding take place.
Spiritually and emotionally.
In the end, you will say “It was worth it all.”
You will have a wealth of memories and experience to pass to the next generation when you have children. You will see them go through the same thing and both of you will smile.
The challenge is to learn how to read each other in a caring way so as not to further frazzle each other’s nerves.
While the wedding planning is going on, it’s about perfection. But equally important, you are each learning about each other in ways never seen or experienced before.
To make the most of that day, look to not get on each other’s nerves by “walking in the Spirit and not in the flesh.” It is very easy to fly off the handle when things go wrong.
And they will go wrong.
How you take the pressure off of each other will go a long ways to bonding.
Learn to have each other’s best interest in mind instead of looking to let the pressure of the moment cause you to say hurtful things and make regrettable decisions that carry over into the marriage.
When you continue to bicker and fight over issues, the heat of anger could blind people. Almost to the point of calling off the wedding. It’s been done before.
Both of you are under considerable pressure.
The least you could do is exasperate the situation(s).
Sometimes, it could mean that each of you need a light moment.
A break from planning would be nice. Yes, you are under time constrains but never put more pressure on yourself than you need. You will find that it will all work itself out.
As a woman, you want your fiancé involved because you are about to bond. If it appears that he seems like he is not involved as you think he should be, just remember, he hasn’t changed his mind. To add more to each other’s plate is not the best thing to do. To establish “ultimatums” to get your fiancé to respond to you isn’t healthy either.
Remember, a man usually will not see things the way that you do, and it’s the same for the woman. Two different view points doesn’t necessarily indicate a rift in the relationship.
Are you willing to accept his view point?
Are you willing to accept her view point?
Is it grounds for postponement? Annulment?
Usually, it isn’t.
There is just as much pressure on him that it is on you. At this point, you do not think so, but just know that both of you are under pressure. What will you do to make things better as opposed to making things unbearable is up to you.
You could either put rocks in your bed and sleep in it or take the rocks out and sleep in a nice bed.
We all know the saying.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it.”
You’ve invited a lot of friends and what they see, or what you want them to see is that your husband to be is happy about his selection. You want everyone to know that your marriage will work.
Weddings are a show to the world that your marriage is of God, that it is right, and that it will work.
Take the time to appreciate the moment.
There will be tough times ahead, but there will be good times ahead that will make whatever bad times you’ve experienced something to look back on and smile as you age together.
As the saying goes in many marriage seminars…
“Many prepare for the wedding but they do not prepare for the marriage.”
So much has been said about the sinful activities of sex and what goes on in a marriage that we really do not have that much of a clue as to what a really good, successful marriage looks like.
Some of us are so inundated with TV marriages, TV homosexuality, 30 minute solutions, episodes, drama, and tidying up after a few episodes, that when the show on TV is over, we resume our “normal” routines. Because marriages, inside and outside the church end in divorce at the 50+% rate, we are challenged by LGBT. They have already issued a challenge that they could do better at marriage.
We all know that they can’t because of the sin of homosexuality. God did not join male and male or female and female together.
Genesis 2:24 is the basis for this for marriage is Biblically defined as a union between one male and one female. Homosexuals cannot become one flesh because their sex organs are incompatible. Therefore, they cannot teach heterosexual couples anything about marriage.
Besides, it’s about holy matrimony, not perversion.
In many marriages between one man and one woman, arguments, frustrations, adultery, fornication, porn, chat room porn, money issues, child abuse issues, molestations, religious fairy tale spins, and domestic violence, unnecessarily fill our lives.
When the Lord brought Eve to Adam, everything was set. Adam had God in his life. Adam had a job. He tilled the Garden and he was supposed to subdue and have dominion. Meaning that if there was anyone or anything out of the ordinary, it was his job to straighten it out. It was Adam’s job to handle business.
To cut right to the chase, it is what’s in the character of two individuals that determines the kind of marriage they will have.
We can no longer rely only on observing other couples because you are not going to see everything that goes on in their lives.
Too many times, we look to “marriage templates” to see what we can use to make a marriage successful. We look at their money handling experiences, sexual satisfaction experiences, time management experiences, and communication or connection experiences. We look to reinvent to find ways to bring vigor back to a relationship. We look to spice or bring spark to a dull relationship that is in deep trouble.
It all boils down to the man working on his character and the woman working on her character.
The fallen nature of Adam and Eve produced an evil character. Sinister character. Selfish character.
The only remedy to this is to be born again through the power of the Holy Spirit. To repent of sin. To come under the Lordship of Jesus Christ.
The Bible tells us in Jeremiah 17:9….
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; Who can know it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings.”
The Lord knows what lurking in the hearts of people. And let’s face it. People do not want to change. Some people are stuck in their ways and would rather divorce than change. If the heart refuses to change, people are in trouble and marriages are definitely in trouble.
Galatians 5:22 is the fruit of the Spirit. One person taught it this way that the fruit of the Spirit is the “recreated human spirit by the Holy Spirit.”
In other words, after a person repents of sin, and is born again, the Holy Spirit teaches them how to mature in the character of Christ by the obedient application of the Word of God.
The Holy Spirit teaches men and women these things….
Love, Joy, Peace, Longsuffering, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
Hence, a real marriage looks like these things because these things represent the very character or attribute of Christ.
We must all work these things into our lives and then work to bring it out of our lives.
No marriage is perfect but the Lord is perfect, and His Word is perfect.
Before I go further, a man and a woman must be satisfied in the Lord before they can be satisfied with each other. No relationship can achieve full satisfaction apart from a strong, vibrant relationship with the Lord. Too many couples are looking for satisfaction in a marriage and do not get me wrong, in a way some satisfaction will be achieved.
But God is the only One that can bring complete and everlasting satisfaction to a person.
God created man in His image (see Genesis 1:26). So man must look to the Creator and he must look to the Word of God as given from the Creator to help him incorporate the character of God into his character. It takes a lot of work by the man to relinquish “stubbornness, resistance, and rebellion” in his mind and flesh to receive correction where he is not proficient in the “recreated human spirit by the Holy Spirit.”
Therefore, in order for a man to have a good marriage, he must be willing to take drastic steps to deal with his character in order for his marriage to last.
So it is also with the woman. She must be proficient in the “recreated human spirit by the Holy Spirit.”
Too often, women spend so much time trying to influence her husband to be a certain way, and that is time wasted if you are pushy, and contending with him to be a certain way.
Sometimes, by pushing him, you are helping him into the bosom of a harlot.
The man is already in a “stubbornness, resistance, and rebellion” mode and the wife becomes really frustrated that he isn’t responding because he is in his “stubbornness, resistance, and rebellion” mode.
The one thing that wives must learn is that when you desire for your husband to change, sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes change has to begin with you before it can happen with your husband. Spend time looking within your heart and mind for areas where the Lord has told you to change but you refuse. Too often in the “beauty world” of women, their “outer perfection” is obscuring their character flaw within.
Look at what Peter said in 1 Peter 3:1-4…..
“Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward — arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel — rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.”
We must all remember that there is somethings that we know are not right within us. The moment that we admit that and remain teachable, the Lord will help us all to make the right kind of adjustment that will bring a blessing to our marriages.
The fruit of the recreated human spirit by the Holy Spirit is the true reflection of the heart of Christ. Before, during, and after the wedding, if a man and a woman would work on become these things in a relationship, everything else falls into place. From the Lordship and Dominion of Jesus and His Word, to incorporating these essential elements into his or her life, the rough edges and childish behaviors will dissipate.
The marriage relationship works from the inside out.
Notice what the Lord Jesus said in Matthew 12:33-35……
“Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or else make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things.”
Let me reiterate.
The marriage relationship works from the inside out.
As a man, whatever is in you is going to come out. As a woman, whatever is in you is going to come out.
So what you say and do, if you are a good tree, good fruit is going to come out.
If you want a good fruit marriage, the fruit of the recreated human spirit by the Holy Spirit must be produced. If you want a bad fruit marriage, then evil will come out all of the time.
You have to purpose to be mindful of the kind of fruit that is going to come out of you. That means you have to spend time making sure that childishness is subdued. Usually, marriages become bad due to childishness. And when childishness is in the mix, there is a deliberate and intentional abandoning of the fruit of the recreated human spirit by the Holy Spirit.
In other words, you stop doing what the Word says to do to have something or to do something that is detrimental to a relationship. So there must be a constant guard to always put the Word of God first before saying or doing something of a childish nature.
When a husband and a wife intentionally look to please the Lord, it becomes very difficult to do something against each other. Because you would never seek to do something harmful to the Lord. Additionally, you must remember that the Lord lives in each of you and what you do to each other reflects your true heart attitude towards the Lord.
We prove our love for the Lord when we keep His commandments (see 1 John 5:1-5). We disprove our love for the Lord when we deliberately sin against Him.
The same principle applies in our marriages. And when we intend to hurt our husband or wife, the Lord on the inside is hurt first because to hurt a person means that we intend to separate ourselves from the Lord and His Word to do what harm we intend to do to the one we claim to love, honor, and cherish.
Immaturity is the root of all divorces and separations.
But maturity in Christ is the root and foundation of all successful, and fruitful marriages.
This is what real marriages look like.