At The End Of The Rope In Your Marriage

There was an elderly couple that were holding hands. The wife was lying on the couch and her husband was holding her hand.

It was her last moments in her life and all she wanted at that moment was the touch of her husband’s hand. She wanted to savor the moment of knowing that she was loved by her husband.

A few moments later, assured of her husband’s caring touch that she knew would be there, she closed her eyes for the final time.

The years of being together for decades, came to an end. She made her last moment with him to count.

As the saying goes when a minister performs the vows, ““Till death, do you part.”

We don’t realize the power of these words until they become a reality.

With a husband and wife, there will be times when you wished you had another mate, and it’s because of certain events that strain a relationship. For either the male or the female, there’s that one moment of contemplating adultery.

For men, all it takes is when the eyes start searching for flesh.

After a traumatic moment in the marriage, a man will look to “reward” himself in sex. Dr. Archibald Hart stated that “Sex is the best pick me up.” When a man wants to reward himself or make himself feel better, he intuitively look for sex because of the reward drug, “dopamine,” is excreted into the blood stream and gives man a pleasurable satisfaction.

He seldomly will look to the person that they may have had an argument with (the wife) for sex. He will usually start looking a sexually provocative women, either on the street, at work, on the Internet.

In secret, he lusts after the flesh of women. In secret, he will fantasize about having sex with her, engulfed in masturbation. But the demons are always there to suggest to you to take it to the next level.

To strip joints where prostitutes, who are porn stars, will be available.

But the completely obsessed man will take things too far.

On the level of a Ted Bundy.

He becomes a serial rapist, and will take it to the level of rape and murder.

This is the world of sexual immorality where men will go to extremes because of an event in a marriage.

For wives, they feel disconnected from the husband because of certain events, whether caused by either party. She will look for a man that would sit down and confide with. She finds a man.

Probably a professional like a marriage counselor, a pastor or minister, or a lawyer. She wants to be listened to. Reassured. Comforted. Protected. Loved.

Some of these “professionals” are either “predators, or wanderers.”

Perhaps, they too, are in a strained relationship and take things to the next level.

Looking to take advantage of a vulnerable woman. At the right moment, he incrementally secures her trust.

Then, he moves from behind the desk, to sit next to her. He puts his hand on her hand. Then rubbing his hand, to holding her, then to kissing her, then the bed room.

She realizes her mistake but it’s too late. She gives in to her vulnerabilities, and the rest is history.

All because your marriage was on the ropes.

Sinning against God is no excuse. Hebrews 13:4 is clear.

The husband and the wife need to reconcile their differences before their differences turn into an irreconcilable difference.

Many couples assume that they’re at the end of the rope, not realizing that they have more rope to go.

According to the Lord Jesus in Matthew 19:1-9, there’s only one reason for divorce.

Sexual immorality.

But what about verbal abuse?

Consistent and constant verbal abuse is an anger management situation. You have to get at the root of his or her verbal abuse. It may take competent professional counseling to dig deep into the beginning of where it all started.

The husband or the wife have to choose to expose themselves in counseling to get to the root of the problem. If they don’t, it’s not recommended that they remain in a relationship because things could go south real quick.

But what about physical abuse?

This is assault. And even though there’s no Scriptural support for this to be the reason together a divorce, make no mistake about it. It is battery.

It’s domestic violence.

This is where it gets dangerous, even for police officers that show up to keep the peace.

If you don’t leave a domestic violence dispute, you may end up dead.

The sad thing is when the emotions and adrenaline of the moment subsides, they come back under the roof. Then it starts all over again. They usually don’t learn from the last incident.

You deliberately or even unintentionally do something that you know or don’t know that this triggers the event or events.

In marriages, behavioral changes may be difficult for people because of several factors.

Your upbringing, certain acts and habits that may be pleasant to you, but offensive to others. When there’s a refusal to change for the mutual benefit of the relationship, this is where the fireworks may happen.

Now there may be a tolerance for a season, but after the season of silently putting up with the difference comes to an end, it’s like a slow fire.

You smell smoke and then a secondary explosion is the one that rocks the building.

At the beginning of the marriage, you’re learning each other’s habits, patterns, and cycles. Your likes and dislikes are like lions, marking their territory. You breach the boundary, the lion gives a warning roar. Then when you continue to breach the territory, after the warning, the fighting begins.

Winner takes all.

But that’s animals. We’re humans. We’re to communicate our likes, and dislikes in a civil manner.

It’s amazing how quickly couples forget that they’re in Christ.

When you have disputes, it’s not the time to declare that you’re at the end of the rope. It’s the time to go back to your vows and reach deep into loving each other as Christ loves the church, and for the wife, like the church, to submit to Christ.

Besides, if it’s another woman you want, you will be irreparably burned and shamed. For the wife, your harlotry will embarrass you.

Finally, the world does revolving door weddings. Remember the woman at Jacob’s well in Samaria? She was searching for a man to satisfy her, she had 5 husbands and the one that she was with, wasn’t her husband.

It took the Lord to reveal to her that continuous adultery is unsatisfying. The Lord revealed to her that only the water that Jesus had would satisfy the longing in her heart.

And this is where there’s more rope in your marriage than you think.

For only the Lord Jesus could satisfy us completely.

It’s also stunning that when we look elsewhere that we select what we had.

It underscores one thing.

What you had was God’s best.

So when you’re at the end of your rope in marriage, just know that there’s plenty of rope left.

Fight for your marriage.

The Allurement Of A Cover & Its Relation To Pornography

The saying goes,

Never judge a book by its cover.”

The flirty dirty cover.

But when it comes to porn and lusting after the flesh, the only concern is the cover.

The cover is what attracts the eyes.

It’s the deception that within the beauty of a body, there’s nothing wrong.

The beauty is PERFECT!!!

That’s the world of porn.

But it’s may also be true for marriage.

Men get attracted to a beautiful woman. They both play nice to a degree, and as soon as the marriage ceremony seals the deal, the book is open and the real story is read.

Porn operates the same way.

The cover lured you and you become a part of her book.

The bad part.

Granted. Not all books are bad.

Both the man and the woman did their due diligence in opening up the book to read what’s in it. Granted, the book of people’s lives is on going. We may never read it all. Sometimes, life does happen, but if you could get to the intent of the book as much as you can, the bad things that can and will happen could be mitigated.

But every now and then, the cover obscures the trap.

They don’t call it the Venus fly trap for nothing.

In marriage, after consummation, the story comes out.

All the things you thought you knew begin to unfold.

The wedding wasn’t the issue. You may have had a little spat, or many spats, but you were able to suppress it and compromise. But sometimes, people do go overboard. It gets ugly. In some cases, so ugly that you call off the wedding.

You’ve tried desperately to compromise but the anger and fierceness of the moment or moments was just too much to bear.

What does this have to do with porn?

A lot.

Men are driven into the bosom of another woman over such things.

Men rarely investigate past the cover. Men rarely see something and say something about it. But on the other hand, some do. They see tendencies, habits, and other issues that could make or break a relationship.

The one thing that chase some men away from some women is the controlling and manipulation.

Don’t think for one moment that men don’t control or manipulate.

In some cases, men may be worse than women.

Each one want something and in order to get it, they will use control and manipulation to get it.

In a pre wedding situation, certain tests should take place.

Boundaries, territories, pro’s, con’s, likes, dislikes, attitudes, mind sets, religious beliefs, foods, drinks, child raising, living habits, hygiene, education, jobs, finances, attire, recreational habits, and other areas.

They all get tested.

The key is time.

Few people are willing to take their time and examine carefully a person.

Some go as far as private investigations, background checks, family visitations, friend visitation, employment visitations, etc.

You want to know what you’re getting into.

But the cover masks all these areas until the test comes.

The sex (whether moral or immoral) is what you wanted and got but you didn’t count on the story. The drama. The hidden agenda. The controlling. The manipulating. The anger. The frustration. The constant bickering. The boisterous mouth. The lying. The cheating. The put downs. The smile as the blade pierces your back.

The one place where men are driven to when they’re hurt is porn and masturbation. Pretending to have sex with that woman on the screen.

Deeply fantasizing having sex and not dealing with the relationship.

But even if there’s no drama, over time, the cover loses its attractiveness.

When a couple get passed a certain safe zone, their physical attraction is less important. After the wedding ceremony, you got what you wanted. For the man, sex. For the woman, marriage. Then there’s no need to “upkeep” especially after having children.

For the most part, the cover lost it’s beauty, and for the male, he loses his strength. But he never lost the ability to look and be stimulated sexually.

But over time, eventually, his ability to perform in the bedroom slows down.

As you age, you adjust.

It’s called settling down.

However, the gym can do wonders for both the male and female.

Maintaining the cover is a life long pursuit.

This one act of maintaining the cover of the book could save many marriages.

Vitality will be lost one day, but you could slow down its affect.

The winds of destroying marriages are around.

Many believe that when you age in marriage, it doesn’t matter about the cover.

You have a right to that thought, but just imagine if you did your part to maintain the cover for as long as you could?

It may save the marriage relationship.

So, the cover to attract is there as well as what’s in the book.

Pastors, Adultery, & Divorce

There are many pastors and believers that are unaware of the “ironclad” rules of divorce as dictated by the Lord Jesus and concurred by Paul.

For years, we have seen people get married. Then, for any other reason, except sexual immorality, get a divorce and get married again, and again.

Reducing marriage to whoredom and harlotry (see Leviticus 20:1-24).

What did Jesus say about divorce?

He didn’t say much but what He said packs a punch in the world’s system where a “do over” is permitted.

For years, we’ve watched what the Lord Jesus observed with the woman of Samaria without caring what The Lord intended in Genesis 2:24, and we wonder why LGBT is seemingly successful in wrestling marriage away from God’s people (see John 4:1-26).

Having 5 men and living with one that isn’t her husband. Clearly a violation of the law. Although the Samaritans, by the way, are cousins of the Jews, yet, they still claim to worship the Lord. We find this similar pattern with believers of the Lord Jesus today. We claim to worship at a place but we do not worship the Lord in spirit and in truth.

There are millions of believers that have divorced for any other reason except sexual immorality.

We have done what Jesus mentioned in Matthew 15.

“…transgress the commandment of God because of your tradition.”

The world permits marriage after divorce as many times as you want, but what does the Word of God say?

What did Jesus say?

To me, we have completely ignored what the Lord said and called it “love.”

Doesn’t this argument sound familiar?

The homosexuals call it “love” because they believe that if two persons of the same sex love each other, they have a right to be married.

Well where did they get that from?

From the people that believe that if they divorce, they are entitled to be married to another, and another.

To be married again is only permitted if a spouse commits adultery and the one that didn’t commit adultery has a right to remarry, provided that they do not marry a person that is divorced.

Yet, we have circumvented the Word of God, completely ignored what the Lord Jesus said, and acted like the world to marry, divorce, and marry again at will. This is partly the reason why sexual immorality is increasing in the people that profess to know Jesus. When divorce is an option, people will exercise that option. When the Lord Jesus closed the option, He wanted to make sure that we get the message.

That marriage is for life.

The Lord put Proverbs 18:22 there for a reason.

“He that finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.”

When it comes to seeking a wife, brothers, you have to take your time and make sure that you know that this is the one for life.

It’s called due diligence.

In other words, make sure it’s the one you want. If not, Paul’s admonition is excellent.

It is good for a man not to touch a woman.”

Ladies, you cannot be so quick to “lock him down.”

Do your due diligence.

Do not ignore your intuition guided by the Holy Spirit. Those warning signals are there for a reason. Do not push it aside because you are about to get married.

Those signs are there to be read. If you go past the stop signal or sign, it’s on you.

There are a lot of people that are ill-prepared for the rigors of marriage. More people prepare for the wedding with elaborate details but they fail to prepare for the marriage, long term, until death. The first three years of marriage tells the tale of the tape. If either one of them continues to act childish, either one of them will claim “irreconcilable differences” as the reason to divorce.

The Bible is clear about that. There is no such thing as an irreconcilable difference. The couple has chosen to separate or divorce because they have chosen not to reconcile the difference. In other words, like two little brats, they hold fast to their position, and refuse to mutually negotiate a compromise to mutually benefit the relationship.

So they make up reasons and attempt to justify them and end up divorced. Then they happen to want a person back in their life other than the first person they marry, and they walk down the isle again. The Lord is very specific. If they divorce for any other reason than for sexual immorality, and they get a divorce, it is wrong. And if any one marries a person that is divorced, commits adultery.

We’ve allowed the rules of the world to circumvent the Word of God, and all we have is whoredom and harlotry in the house of the Lord.

Over 13 years ago, we’ve seen a woman come into the church with children from either a marriage or from fornication, get married to two men, divorced these two men from the same church, and ended up marrying the married pastor of the church she twice got married in. The pastor did the wedding for this woman twice and ended up marrying the twice or more divorced woman and destroyed his marriage.

It goes without saying that the wife of this pastor was completely devastated as well as this growing church was devastated and destroyed.

As a result, some of the men in his church decided to divorce their wives and left a wake of confused women.

We’ve heard of a bishop that told his first wife that God said that she was not the one. After 16 years of marriage and two children. He marries another younger woman just 7 days after the divorce was settled. Now, we all know that the Lord can speak before the marriage and tell you to look for another.

Why would the Lord tell you after 16 years of marriage that she was not the one?

A praise and worship “artist” while married commits adultery, a baby is birthed out of wedlock, they get married after over a year together and everything is ok?

Are you kidding me?

Hebrews 13:4 is still in the Bible. And the rock that gets thrown into a pack of dogs, the first one that gets hit, is the one that hollers. I guarantee you that many will holler because there are many that never repented. They may have asked for forgiveness but we’ve gotten that wrong. God offers forgiveness to the one that repents. When you plan on never repenting, it is an indication that you plan on sinning again.

True repentance means that you are done forever with sin, including our favorite ones.

It seems to me that adultery and fornication, or Secret Sexual Sins is man’s favorite sin.

But we have failed to realize that we hurt God, and innocent people in the process of our Selfish Individual Needs (SIN).

It shows you that some deceived men are just as wickedly deceived as some woman. On both sides of the pulpit, we have people that are sexually immoral and we refuse to confront these tough issues because we don’t want to hurt people. Never mind the fact that we hurt God bad. Never mind that He created us for His glory but we have brought shame to His name.

We have tracked mud for years into His presence and only the wise are careful enough to have enough sense to remove our shoes in His presence.

If we do not go back to the standards of the Word of God in the areas of marriage and get this thing right, we could talk about Secret Sexual Sins all day long and nothing will come of it.

I am finding that there is little to no teaching on the subject of adultery and divorce. We have changed the commandment of God for the commandment of men. We have allowed ourselves to take an eraser and completely alter the Word of God, and we wonder why we are so jacked up?

And because preachers are leading the way back into darkness, the people, like priests, follow cheerfully to judgment.

Then there are people who will refuse to follow the correct teachings of marriage and destroy themselves, not caring at all about the high standard of marriage set and itched in stone in the Word of God.

Below is a chart I’ve developed to help us to understand the simplicity of adultery and divorce.

Take the time to read the Word of God about adultery and divorce.

These verses of Scripture are not that difficult to understand, yet, we avoid a very tough issue to permit sin in the camp.

Married Husband Or Wife Seeks Divorce Marrying Divorced PeopleWidows & Virgins Domestic ViolenceNo Scriptural Basis To Remain Married

Irreconcilable Differences

Husband Or Wife CommitsSexual Immorality.Divorce Is Granted.

Husband Or Wife Can Remarry.

The Adulterer or Adulteress Cannot.

Matthew 5:31-32, 19:9

 

Whoever Marries A Divorced Woman Commits Adultery.Matthew 5:31-32, 19:9A Divorced Man Or Woman Must Remain Unmarried or Be Reconciled

To Their First Husband or Wife.

1 Corinthians 7:10-11

Domestic Violence is a criminal act. Common sense dictates that separation and or divorce is the only recourse when the person initiating the violence is obviously a clear and present danger to the life of the spouse.If a change of heart takes place, reconciliation is permitted.
If no sexual immorality was committed, yet the husband or the wife still seeks a divorce, neither are to be married again, but they could reconcile the relationship.1 Corinthians 7:10-11 Widows and widowers may remarry. Virgins may get married.1 Corinthians 7:8-9Death Obviously 

Annuls The Marriage.

1 Corinthians 7:39

There is no such thing as an irreconcilable difference. Two people decide not to reconcile their differences because they choose not to compromise or relinquish their position. This is no grounds for divorce according to Matthew 5:31-32, 19:9, but if they still insist on getting a divorce, they are not permitted to marry another person. They can only reconcile their relationship and remarry each other.

Dating: The Big Seven That Single Christian Women Look For In A Man

by Fred C. Rochester, Pastor. Copyright 2011. All Rights Reserved.

There are many single ladies that look for serious mate to marry. The successful male candidate must have these seven requirements to make it pass the initial scrutiny of the prospectus female looking for a lasting relationship.

We already know that being a child of God is number one on the list. The prospectus man loves the Lord, is into his Bible, and lives the Word of God. We find that sometimes a brother could be deep into the Lord but still lack in these seven areas in a big way. They know a lot about the Scriptures, but they do not do well with these basic areas.

And when a Christian women questions the man about these areas, he gets very defensive. On the other side, there are men that are well versed in these seven areas, but they lack the love of the Lord. Men tend to get defensive when an area is found to be lacking.

Brothers, it’s time to bring both areas up to par.

To fail in these areas is a serious felony.

Check your attitude at the door.

1. Chivalry.

Just in case you are not aware of the definition, chivalry means “courtesy towards women.” If you are to win her heart, it starts with being a gentleman every time. All the time. A woman desires to be cared for. She wants to know without a shadow of doubt that you are committed to care for her. While she should be able to take care of herself, she should know that she has a man that is willing to lay his life down. Sacrifice is part of the price of chivalry. Paying attention to these details will make for a pleasant relationship. When you open the door for her, pull her chair back, buy her dinner (a real dinner, not Mickie D’s), and other small tokens, it makes her feel valued. Investing in this effort will go a long ways in taking things to the next level. Going Steady. Additionally, he must be able to understand what her needs are by asking. Guessing is not a good thing. There are certain things that women like and there are certain things that women do not like. It would be in your best interest to ask her. What she is looking for from you is understanding, connection, relationship, companionship, value, esteem, care, honesty, love, and a chance to be a part of your world. With understanding connection, a woman wants to know that you are interested in her. By calling her regularly, texting, or using other forms of communications, she feels wanted. While you are not married, these things are important to her security. If you are serious about her, you will always leave the lines of communication open. Romance is an essential part of the dating scene. Flowers, candy, candle light dinner. This adds to the list of chivalry, but for that special lady, it shows that she is worth it.

2. Strong Drive For Success.

You are a strong believer in making your dreams happen buy God’s help and grace. You are designed to be a man of purpose. A man of intent. You posses a strong sense of destiny. Her destiny is locked in yours. Because you have made up your mind to go somewhere, she is willing to go somewhere with you. If you are going no where, she may or may not want to go no where with you. A sense of purpose involves detailed plans and the execution of those plans. You are motivated to succeed. You are never afraid of trying. You are never afraid of failure. If you need to go to school, get to going. If you need to work more hours to achieve that goal, it’s a small investment to secure your future, and hers.

3. Extreme Care In Handling Your Personal Responsibilities.

In the economic times we are living in, every dollar counts. It is important that from day one, that you stick to and execute a sound financial plan. A sound financial plan begins with education. The more education you have, the better the chances of you being hired for a good paying job. Along with this, you have to stop creating bills just to have certain things. Establishing proper financial priorities and living within your means is the best possible way to be responsible. Pay your bills on time. Credit is not an additional paycheck. Credit is agreeing with the financial world to give them your future paycheck. The more debt you incur, the more you will lag behind in your basic responsibilities.

4. Well Kept House or Apartment.

Jungle Habitat or The Waldorf? Is your house a castle or a dungeon? Just in case you don’t know what this means. Is your house or apartment junky or adorable? If not, you need to get busy and clean up your joint or crib. You are convinced that “cleanliness is next to godliness.” It is not in the Bible, but we wish it did. If you live in an apartment or home, you are charged with making sure everything is in its place. Your desire to impress on the next level requires that you take care of every detail. Made up bed. Laundry done. You pick up after yourself. Food is in the refrigerator. Rent or mortgage paid on time. Utility bills paid on time. A clean house or apartment is an impressive house or apartment. The way you live reveals the kind of person you are. So make sure your house of apartment is squared away.

5. Outstanding Wardrobe.

Your clothing reveals the kind of person you are. If you are a “slob” in dressing, you will not attract the right person. You have to choose between, good, better, or best. Survey the room of men, Take note of what they wear. See what kind of women are attracted to what other men are wearing. Adjust where necessary. First impressions make a difference.

5. Great Personal Hair Grooming.

Even men have bad hair days but it should never be everyday. There are many hair styles out there. However, a well groomed hair style always score big. You have to choose what works for you while at the same time what would score with the ladies. The rule is simple. Neat. Trimmed. Washed and together.

6. Skin Care.

Ash Wednesday is not impressive. A little oil will go a long way.

7. Body Odor & Bad Breath.

There is so many deodorants and breath mints to choose from that it’s inexcusable not to be prepared. If you want to turn off a date, this is the one way to make sure. Brother, make sure you check yourself before you leave your home or open the door to your date. On the other hand, do not overdo the aftershave or cologne. If people could smell your cologne a block away from the restaurant, before walk in, then you are too “loud.” One or two sprays at the most.

While there may be other things that are just as important, I believe that these are the top things that will make or break a potential relationship.

For those of you that are married, take notes. When you adjust to incorporate this in your marriage relationship, you will bring the fire back and add lasting years to your marriage.

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