One of the worst discoveries that a wife could make is her husband’s porn addiction. Perhaps, the worst is her husband’s infidelity.
A few years ago, according to 1600 attorney’s that practice divorce law in California, 50% of all divorce cases involved a husband’s porn addiction.
But here is something else that is just as disturbing.
A wife’s chat room addiction that leads to acting out sexually on a video camera or setting up a rendezvous for a romp in the sack.
In one case, a married woman began chatting with a married man. Turns out that he lived right down the street. I saw this on the OWN network, (Oprah Winfrey Network) and that’s because she was dissatisfied with her husband. She needed that extra boost of another man and she crossed the line.
What’s sad is that a husband’s porn addiction is viewed by some women as the lowest form of betrayal, and it is. There are other women that do not mind porn, and furthermore, they watch with their husbands or boyfriends they fornicate with.
In any case, when discovery is made…..what do you do?
The first thing that comes to mind is understanding your husband’s or wife’s secrecy.
Secret means “not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others.”
As long as it remains a secret, the activity continues. But what we are finding in some places is that when the secret is out, because of the love for sexual sins, some men and women will continue because they believe in their hearts that they cannot do without it.
For quite some time, you’ve noticed certain signs.
Spending unusual hours on the Internet, on the job, doing “overtime,” disappearing during unusual times of the day. Catching wandering eyes. Reading certain articles and magazines with sex themes. Viagra. Condoms. All of these and other things are indications that something is going on. Unusual calls on the house phone caller ID. Your husband’s inattention to you and your sex needs.
Such inattention is determined by what may have taken place in the home that caused him to disengage in the normal course of the relationship.
Sadly, pastors are notorious for paying attention to the needs of other women while ignoring the needs of his wife.
Ministry is a minefield for a pastor’s marriage.
Long periods of silence and loneliness may not mean much, but it’s an undeniable starting point. When your husband or spouse is constantly angry at you for no reason. When a wife lashes out in anger because she hasn’t had sex in days, weeks, or months.
As with porn observed by men or women, it is undeniably connected to some form of acting out sexually. Whether it be solo sex, commonly called masturbation, sex toys, prostitution, adultery, or fornication. For a woman, it’s about satisfying her connection needs which will involve her giving up her body to satisfy that need.
The adrenaline of pursuing an outside relationship adds to the excitement that was lacking in a marriage but it is dead wrong.
Exploring other “options” violates the Word of God.
Notice what Isaiah said in chapter 1 and verse 18
“Come now, and let us reason together,”
Says the Lord,
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
They shall be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They shall be as wool.”
Even the Lord will reason with man. But look at what He said.
“Though YOUR sins…..”
In any relationship, there is error. However, there is also a way to resolve that error.
The love of God will always speak the truth. What we are not willing to do is admit that we are wrong. We circle the issue with issues that detract from the truth. So much so that resolution becomes something that seems unachievable.
How could we resolve a resolvable issue?
It is called the love of God.
Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, from the New Living Translation…..
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way.
It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”
What leads to porn and chat rooms is lust in the heart of men and women.
Lust is the demand to have what is forbidden.
This demand comes straight out of the Garden of Eden. The devil preached another word and Eve believed it.
Eve had lust in her heart. She just needed an excuse to justify her pursuit of lust in her heart. This lust, if not arrested and killed, will deceive you to justify deliberate ignorance of the known Word of God, and defiance of her husband. After she had a conversation with the serpent, the devil in the serpent deceived her, but at anytime, she could have walked in the opposite direction and ignored what the devil said. But lust was in her heart and then she proceeded to act on that lust. When she saw that the tree was desirable, she took of the tree and ate.
She gave to Adam and Adam ate.
Then their eyes were opened.
The command that the Lord gave Adam, and Adam gave to Eve, required team work, vigilance, and courage in order for them to stay alive. They both failed to watch each other’s back and they ended up counting the days of life they had left. Lust is what drives the sin sick soul.
Discovery of porn or salacious chat room activity is a lust issue that requires the couple to diligently apply the Word of God in order for lust to be completely broken.
The breach in the marriage is always preceded by a breach in the relationship with the Lord.
What we are discovering, and it was evident in my own life, is that when you get to the point of loving your sin more than you love God, there is no sin too dark that you won’t do unless you return to the Lord. We have used psychological explanations, spiritual counseling explanations, and do not get me wrong. They are good as long as the Word is central. However, the Bible identifies the issue.
Acting on the lust in the heart.
So when you discover your husband’s porn issue or if the husband discovers his wife’s salacious chat room activity, just understand that lust is at the root of the sin. Do not act out in anger. To exasperate the issue, even when you believe you are justified may not be good. Use good judgment. If you feel you need to address the issue, you have every right to do so. A breach in the relationship occurred. At the same time, it may be wise to pray (there is no length of time to spend in prayer, use your judgment), read the Word of God, particularly the Psalms, and then address the issue.
Get wise counsel. To have a friend to discuss this with is good but you have to believe that your friend could be trusted. You can’t utter or release all that is in your mind when it comes to discovery of your spouse’s salacious activity. Years ago, there wasn’t that much information about porn and salacious chat room activities. Now, there’s a wealth of information that you could glean from to help you deal with the discovery.
You are not alone.
Millions of families have gone through discovery.
I must reemphasize that the sin is wrong and you should not put undue blame on yourself. It is best to take responsibility when it is determined that, without a doubt, there was some contribution. But even if there was some measure of contribution, the bottom line is that lust was already in his or her heart.
From there, it is how you deal with it that will determine the recovery or destruction of the family nucleus.