Why Do Men Wait To Get Married?

By Fred C. Rochester. Copyright  2011. All Rights Reserved.

Why do men wait to get married?

Cold feet?

Sour nerves?

Scared stiff?

There are two basic reasons which we will get to in a moment, but the descriptions listed above are shallow reasons why males never commit to one woman. Yes, there is something much deeper that keeps him from picking the woman of his dreams.

1. Relationship Phobia

Sometimes males that were in bad relationships often shy away from commitment. As big and bad a man is, the mistimed and misunderstood words of a woman can cut him to pieces. Especially when a male fails to do right by the woman and the female let him have it. Or the female is found to do somethings and it gets to him. He pursues the issue with her and he gets cut up real bad.

In frustration and anger, he storms out of the relationship and hides for a long time.

Where does he hide?

It ranges from, the “man cave” to watch porn and gratify himself, to the bosom of another woman. Or he takes a walk to let some steam off.

As you can see, there are two sides to any relationship.

Male and female must learn to properly communicate in a relationship if there is any chance for the relationship to survive. Granted, we all know how to be nice when we want something or someone but when we are not in a good mood or we were burned once, or, perhaps we’ve had a bad day, we turn off the charm.

When a male doesn’t want to communicate, he completely shuts down. When it comes to communicatory relationships, men rarely score high in this area.

We males shut down or give very short answers.

Why?

Sometimes the short answers will not make sense, or is confusing, or fails to satisfy the female’s inquisition, interrogation, desire to understand what her mate is trying to communicate.

This is what a man feels when a woman is very aggressive in her questioning.

It is her way of attempting to get her point across that the tone of questioning has the potential of making the man feel inferior. If a man did wrong, he should be questioned. However, timing is everything. So the man goes toe to toe and fires back or walks away in silence while being screamed at.

Short answers is a signal that he is not in a communicating mood and he does not want to talk further about the situation, for now.

As unfair it is to the female, this is not something that she should have to put up with.

Communication is a two way street.

So many couples fail in communicatory relationships because of the bullheaded unwillingness of the male to steer his anger elsewhere and talk about the issue. The other side of the failure is the never ending insistence and persistence of the female to pull on a man to tell it all. When two bullheaded persons are at it, it makes for drama. In the end, where there is no grace to resolve the issue, both are exasperated, and they have had enough.

In either case, both of them are not right.

Some will say that it is not the man’s fault that he doesn’t want to talk about the issue and it’s not the woman’s fault for attempting to pull out of him something that he may not be ready to deal with.

This is frustrating to a woman because females were designed for communicatory relationships. It is very easy for them to talk because that’s their make up. Communication is their main line that feeds and fosters connections to people. How they communicate and what is communicated is another story.

Connection is important to females because when it comes to value, worth, and esteem, how they connect and who they connect with gives them a sense of value. To be desired, loved, and wanted is necessary for them. Therefore, it is their main form of self expression.

Why?

Men can be lonely, disconnected, and isolated. When a female comes around, within a man, he brightens up the moment she is in ear or eyesight. The right words at the right time could ease the tension in the heart and mind of a man. The wrong words at the wrong time could destroy a man.

In her godly ability to communicate is the ability to nurture, build up, and esteem her mate.

When demonically inspired, it can destroy a man.

When a male is coming out of past relationships, it takes a male longer to heal because in the soul of a man is the ability to compartmentalize. The soul of a man is deep and has many places where he could store wounds, bad episodes, and drama. When I say deep. I am not kidding. He could be bleeding inside and you, as a woman may or may not be aware of it.

When he is not ready to talk about it, it’s because he is protecting two essential things in him. His image called “male ego” and his ability to “handle his business.” If these two things are disturbed in any way, his weakness is revealed and his manhood is ridiculed.

Women are emotionally designed to relate and connect. For a male not to relate is a clear indication that there is something deeply imbedded within him that he will not pull up until healing occurs. At the right moment, when he feels safe he will tell all.

2. Playing The Field

The woman of his “dreams” is a sex object found in porn, loose women, scantily clad women that walk the streets, leaving nothing to be desired, or conservative dressing woman that he easily undresses with his shameful mind, the bathing suit women on magazine stands and clothing catalogues (substitute porn), and his world of false intimacy and self gratification, commonly called masturbation, deeply rooted in his flesh and wild imagination.

He would never, in his right mind, marry an immoral woman because of her seductive qualities that attract a better looking man than himself.

In all actuality the real woman of his dreams is always found on the communicative relationship connection. She knows his heart, not just what’s below his waist. Her inner qualities of understanding him is the true attraction. He can confide in her because her heart is after God.

She gives to him what no other woman is qualified or graced to give.

Godly counsel from the Lord.

Cheap sex is demonically and deceptively “safer” for a man because he will not have to engage in fostering an ongoing relationship. There is no reason for this ungodly activity because it only leads to more sin and it further darkens his callous spirit. Through these activities, he is deceived into thinking that this is his only way of releasing sexual tension and achieving satisfaction. Through sin, he believes that he can resolve his issues. In sin, there is no satisfaction or resolution. Only remorse and death (see Romans 6:23 and James 1:14-15).

Sexual intercourse between male and female is designed and authorized within the marriage to physically express their deep love for each other, and to help married couples stay bonded, spirit, soul, and body.

When a man has had many women, he is soul tied to many women and will never escape the spiritual and emotional connections that ultimately disconnects him from God. As long as a man is spiritual disconnected from God, he cannot truly connect to a woman.

Why?

It’s called “holy matrimony.”

Godly soul ties is a benefit of marriage that keeps the entire relationship safe.

According to a report, if a man that is married engages in an adulterous relationship, he opens himself to an aggressive form of prostate cancer.

When it comes to immorality, the measure of the kind of woman that he wants is only from one place.

What he wants in his bedroom is only for self satisfaction purposes, and is only for healing emotional wounds and pains. He is using the reward drug “dopamine” as a medicinal property to heal such wounds inflicted in past relationships.

This is sin according to Matthew 5:27-28.

When a man is still a “player,” he will continue to do so for a couple of reasons.

1. He plays the hearts of single women looking for a husband.

He says the key words that make a vulnerable and almost desperate woman, give up the store.

“I love you. You look gorgeous. I’ll take care of you.”

2. He throws money, dinner, and nice things at her to keep her interested as a means of making sure she doesn’t go to anyone else.

Sadly, many woman do not even get to the altar to get married. They hold on and hold out for so long, and they never get to turn their dreams into reality.

Most women will not walk away from a conniving male. Some will throw themselves away sexually in an attempt to keep him because of these unfulfilled “promises.” Sadly, they are willing to put up with his loose living just to have somebody.

It’s sad that a woman of value will endure a long bad relationship that she knows is going no where just to say that “at least I have a man.” There comes a point where lying to yourself is a revelation of a longing in your heart for the situation to turn for the better, knowing that you are being held back.

God has better for you. And you know it.

The one thing that is in women is the ability to “trust.” Words, even deceptive words and empty promises are held on to forever.

Why do males do this?

When there are other women that use their “femininity” to make men bow down at their altar of lust, it is a form of power over a weak willed man. In essence, it is the player in reverse. This is the other side of the spectrum. The Bible calls these kinds of women, “the immoral woman’ (see Proverbs 5:3, 20, 7:5, 22:14).

But the moral woman suffers more because they are doing their best to live godly and hold themselves. Almost to the point of being penalized for being godly. We must remember, that the Lord sees what you are doing and He will reward you for your faithfulness to Him. And it seems like the men get away with it everyday. But that is not the case. Men pay for their mistakes.

Every male that has planted a seed in the ground of immorality always gets a bumper crop harvest (see Galatians 6:7-8).

Not one male has ever failed to receive the reward of the wicked according to Romans 6:23.

Ask any man that made the “mistake” and never paid for it.

It is just a matter of time.

Babies out of wedlock, STDs, and other issues. Child support and hospital visits to ease the pain of STDs. Condoms is the lie of the century. It’s just a matter of time when failure will occur. Your number is sure to come up because the failure rate is higher than the government figures are willing to release.

And sooner or later, you will get tired of stopping to put one on. You want live action. Fool, it’s just a matter of time. And guess who pays for the mistake more than males?

Women. And the children born if they make it past abortion, foster homes, and abandonment.

Ladies, if you would do one thing. Make him work for it, you will show that you are more valuable than you think. Make him put a ring on your finger and stay faithful to you.

If you really want to show your “power” over a male, all you have to do is shut it down. You are not supposed to give up your virginity any way because your virginity is sacred. Your virginity is worth more than all the gold and money on the earth. Your stock would soar when you demand marriage.

Sadly, we all know what happens. Another loose woman comes along and gives him sex and the fool hearty male will watch the fruit of his years go by. Looking at another generation of children brought into the world to continue the sad cycle of a generational curse.

Males won’t get married because they feel that when they are tied to one woman, they cannot have the fun of sex without relational wounds. However, as time progress, they will have to learn how to relate.

I read a story of a man that played the field. For years he would deceive women until one day, at age 60, he decides to settle down. Males marry late because he is able to deceive single women and get only one thing from them.

Sex.

By the time they are 35 and 40, they decide to settle on one woman. They have children and he is running around after children late in life. Both the husband and wife, at age 40+, is chasing after 3 and 4 year olds. Too tired to be the kind of parents they need to be.

Granted, the economic conditions of our times is not helping people make early decisions to get married in their 20’s and start a family before 25. The cost of living is incredible. We are seeing unemployment at staggering rates. The poverty rate for 2010/2011 is at 15.1%.

For African Americans, the unemployment rate is double that of whites at between 16 and 18%.

The economic conditions of our day has certainly put a delay on getting married early. However, males still play the field for free. It’s called “cheap sex.” Sex without marital price.

What is the answer to this because there are many single women looking to get married but the males are unresponsive. Throw into the mix the fact that males are now entering into either bisexual relationships or out right homosexual relationships. This further erodes the chances for single women to find an available male.

The answer is clear.

Everyone must return to the Lord. Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. Establishing a relationship with the Father, through His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. This is where it all starts. The Bible is consistent that when people turn to the Lord, the conditions change. The starting point is repentance. The maintenance part is regularly worshipping God. Fellowshipping with the saints of God and practicing the Word of God.

You never know when the Lord will bring you to a place where a man is waiting on you to marry.

If you are in the NYC area, we invite you to attend our service as a guest. Please click the link below for directions to our local church.

We look forward to serving you as our guest at Prevailing Word Ministries, in the matchless name of Jesus!

www.prevailingwordbiblechurch.org

www.blogtalkradio.com/prevailingword1

www.amazon.com/SecretSexualSins/lm/R368T18PDSQB6F

SEX-Good, Steaming Hot Sex, Christian Style. Part One

By Fred C. Rochester, Pastor. Copyright 2011. All Rights Reserved.

Attraction of the opposite sex. Compatibility. Relationship, Romance, Marriage. Kissing. Necking. Petting. Fondling. Intercourse. Orgasm! 

Yes! Yes! YES! AND OH YES!!!

Then comes children, child rearing, and the cycle of life starts all over again.

The seemingly insatiable desire for more sex between married Christian couples.

These are the common words associated with sex. Don’t blush because you see this everyday on satellite, DVDs, cable, or the Internet. But only of the sexually immoral kind. Like Adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, and bestiality. Very few of us ever wonder if Christians that are married have enjoyable, meaningful, red hot sex. The answer depends on who you ask.

Now that the economy and measurable STDs are forcing couples to reconsider severing relationships, we still see that marriage between a male and female is God’s best plan for the safest sex. One thing is clear, many people, Christians and pastors or ministers, engage in unsafe sexual immorality almost on equal footing as the world.

The reasons range from a mistress such as work, business, or other non sexual activities to an actual affair with a body.

My late Aunt once told me that sex is enjoyable for unmarried couples too, or words to that affect. As a young preacher, I was taken aback by her statement. She didn’t care that God’s ordained plan for safe sex is within the confines of marriage.

Most professed born again believers desire sex. We are human. It is a natural God given desire. However, the best way to enjoy sex is in a monogamous relationship between two distinctly opposite and sexually compatible individuals that love each other. Disagree if you wish but the penalty is still there to remind you of what God originally intended.

Contrary to many beliefs and current trends of thinking, sex is a very much in demand subject but least talked about in the Christian church. Sometimes the only time that sex is talked about is when sexual immorality takes place. We hear nothing but the negative.

There must be a presentation of a balanced approach if the church is to stem the tide of sexual immorality in the church. The objective of consequential judgment is to remind us of what the Holy Lord said in His Word.

Hebrews 13:4 says,

“Marriage is honorable among all and the bed undefiled (unsoiled); but adulterers and fornicators (porn) God will judge.”

As long as you are married, your sex romps is according to God’s original intent and the bed is free of human defecation or contamination. Sin contaminates the bed like having sex in a bed full of human feces. I know gross and graphic but how else could God’s word describe adultery and fornication?

There is a positive side to great sex within the confines of holy matrimony. We must remember that before we were Christians, we were sinners in the world. When we accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior, our sexuality came with us. The only thing that should have happened is that the perversion of sex should have ceased.

UNDERSTANDING THE LORD’S RULES

The first instance of NT teaching along these lines came from the Lord Jesus. In actuality, the NT started when Pentecost came. Nonetheless, Jesus came with a word that startled many men.

In Matthew 5:27, the Lord Jesus sat on the mount and talked about…sex.

Well, sex of an adulterous nature.

We must understand that whoever creates any thing has a right to make up the rules.

Just like certain games. Whoever created the game must create the rules so that the game could be played correctly. When there is a violation of the rules in the game, there must be a penalty or a reset to start the game over. That’s the games of this world. But when it comes to life’s rules, the stakes are much higher. The penalties are stiffer. And in most cases, irreversible.

What man has decided to do is change the rules apart from the Creator expressed in the Word of God.

The Word of God is the rule of law.

When we violate the Word of God, we are subject to its penalty and consequences.

“In the beginning God created…” 

Our names cannot be found anywhere in Genesis chapter one so that excludes and exempts us from changing the rules.

Why?

We are powerless to create.

We are only allowed or empowered to procreate or REPRODUCE.

God created man from the dust. We do not have that power to take dust and make a human. When you have figured out a way to take dust and create a container and then blow into man the breath of life to become a living soul, please let us know.

God produced male and female. Male and female are to reproduce more males and females.

To do this, man must have sex. However, before he could have sex, he must have a wife.

THE SEXUAL CIRCUITRY OF MEN

There are many distractions that inhibit both the husband and the wife from sexual performance.

Jobs, kids, timing, emotions, financial security, and energy.

These are some of the obstacles that couples face everyday. According to Dr. William M. Struthers, who wrote the book, “Wired For Intimacy,” men are “wired for sex.” While this is a book about how pornography affects the brain, it is a clear indication that men, on sight and thought, can get his engines ready and revved up for sex.

The circuitry or influence of sexual behavior is different for both male and female. The problem for married couples is making the necessary adjustments and mutual compromises to make sex enjoyable. Sex could be work but under the right circumstances and situations, sex could be taken to places that would make a marriage last for life.

There are many people, inside and outside the church that shut down the kind of sex that would keep marriages from falling apart. Married women are inhibited and sometimes insecure of their bodies. This can definitely put a strain on the kind of sex she would love to give her husband.

The idea is not to make changes that a person is not comfortable or capable of making unless the desire is there. In making changes, an opposite effect could take place as well. What kind of reaction will other men have when your wife comes in after making certain changes?

We all know what men fantasize about. Men are sight wired and thought wired.

Proverbs 27:20 says,

“Hell and destruction are never full; so the eyes of man are never satisfied.”

The eyes of man is always in search for beauty to stimulate his mind. Just because a man’s eyes are never satisfied does it mean that he has permission to seek other women in an attempt to satisfy something that could never be satisfied.

When a man gets married, he picked the one woman that he wants to look at for the rest of his life. Married man, your eyes cannot google and your mouth cannot dribble at another woman. Once you are married, no other woman is to be desirable for you. No other woman is more beautiful. The search switch must be turned off after the marriage is solemnized and consummated in the bedroom.

As devastating it is to a woman you are engaged to, during that “feeling out” not “shacking up” process, you can break off the engagement. Reneging on the promise to marry is a very hurtful and coldblooded way to get out of a relationship unless you’ve observed something in yourself that reveal that you are not ready to take on the responsibility of relationship. Cold feet is also just a man getting scared of the fact that his commitment to a wife prohibits extramarital sins.

Once he is married, he can no longer play the field. To do so would risk and compromise his health for the rest of his life.

This is the most difficult part for man because other women that aren’t married are always in passive search mode. So unmarried and even some married women will wear things that range from provocative to conservative to attract the attention of a man.

In some cases, they’ll attract the roving eyes of a married man.

It is left to the man to enforce the discipline of his eyes during marriage on one woman only. His wife. No matter how desirable another woman may be.

Job 31:1 says,

“I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look upon young woman?”

Job was married and the sin of sight adultery never entered his mind. His statement was a statement of fact that sexually looking and lusting after a young woman was not the door for calamity to enter his life. Not too many men, including me, could say that.

THE SEXUAL CIRCUITRY OF WOMEN

Now the opposite of a wired man is a wired woman. The circuitry for her is clearly different. We know that in the fantasy of women, it’s the romance. It’s all about how she feels about herself that makes her feel attracted to her husband. Her sexuality is tied to her emotions and the way she feels about herself. She must be coaxed or gradually persuaded to engage in sex.

Coaxed or persuaded not in the abusive sense.

Why?

It’s all about treating her right.

She has to feel secure, safe, loved, connected, affirmed, and esteemed for her real value.

While she is also sight minded in the sense that she sees something in a man that she feels attracted to, the attraction is partly about how will that man treat her. When a woman has many things going on in the mind or within her emotions, the way she feels determines whether or not she will sexually engage with her husband.

The bedroom value increases exponentially when these things are firmly established. Brothers, great sex will always come when you value her for who she is and not only what she could do in the bedroom. Hot, steamy sex for married couples is achievable when a man does the right thing with her wife.

Telling her truthfully honest and meaningful things in a loving way will start her engine.

Dis-arming your wife with kindness will help her unwind.

When you are uptight and she is uptight, it only leads to no romps. When you take the time to resolve the issue and hear her out, when she believes in her heart that you have “connected” with her, the physical connection will happen.

Why?

She wants to know that you understand her for her.

If her mind isn’t resting or rested but preoccupied with the events of her life, she must be given time to resolve these issues.

Men love beauty.

That’s what a man desires. But outer beauty is only an introduction to the inner beauty of his queen. Therefore, inner beauty makes the outer beauty that much more enticing. That’s what intimacy is about. A husband wants to get into his wife but the true door to her is her heart.

The external is just the introduction. 

The natural expression of sex is the culmination of what you have found deep inside her heart.

Her love for you.

When she knows that her heart has been penetrated, a natural penetration takes place.

When orgasm takes place, oh my!

In Ephesians 5:32, Paul said that, “This is a profound mystery.”

When a man treats his wife the way Christ treats the church, my goodness.

The marriage bedroom of a man and his wife can be too hot to handle. And there would be no shame.

So yes, Christians can have steamy, hot sex. It’s all a matter of understanding how to appreciate and esteem each other in ways that lead to a series of hot bedroom romps that the world wish they could have.

www.prevailingwordbiblechurch.org

www.blogtalkradio.com/prevailingword1 (listen to our Secret Sexual Sins Broadcast)

The Aftermath of Pastor Zachary Tims, Why The Mighty Have Fallen?

by Fred C. Rochester, Pastor. Copyright 2011. All Rights Reserved.

The body of Pastor Zachary Tims was laid to rest. Such a sad thing. So young in life. Death has taken away the mighty at the prime of his youth.

It is not enough to say, “How the mighty have fallen.” We need to know and understand “Why The Mighty Have Fallen.” Saul didn’t fall from battle victorious. He fell from battle because of a life of disobedience to the Lord. Leaders must be obedient. As imperfect as we are, leaders must be obedient to the Lord and His Word.

As I was studying Solomon, there was a statement about him that stood out. The Scripture said that Solomon followed in the footsteps of his father, David. Except he burned incense on the high place (see 1 Kings 3:3).

It is clear that sometimes burning incense on the high place was unto the Lord, however, if you study the high place, it usually has a dual purpose. It is dedicated to sacrifice to the Lord but when the leadership of Israel operated in rebellion, the high place would be used to sacrifice to idols.

When I see the word “except,” that is a clear indication that a door is left opened that will eventually destroy a man if they do not cease and desist.

Many pastors must understand that if we leave backdoors wide open and do not close them, eventually the enemy will have a way into our lives to destroy it. “Give no place to the devil” is applicable for pastors too.

As we continue to mourn over the passing of Pastor Zachary Tims, it is important to reflect on the fact that pastors are the most targeted ministry gift in the fivefold ministry.

“I will strike the Shepherd, and the sheep of the flock will be scattered,” Matthew 26:31.

Of course, it is a prophetic Word about what the Lord God will do to the Lord Jesus from Zechariah 13:7-9, but the implications is the same.

If the sins of a leader remain unchecked, this verse of Scripture is not going to cease. The Lord desires to clean, prune, refine, and transform our lives, even in the midst of tragedy.

However, from a demonic standpoint, there is no question that the devil is looking to destroy every pastor. Or, let the pastor destroy himself. One of the things that we have to look very hard at is that it’s not just the personal sins of a pastor we are to pay attention to.

It is the very fact that the devil will either come at a pastor and directly destroy him or if there is unchecked sins in the life of a pastor, it makes the job of the devil very easy to destroy him.

“How the mighty have fallen” was part of a tribute from David when he was lamenting over the loss of Saul. David paid a tribute to the first king of Israel. However, Saul repeatedly disobeyed God.

Saul’s continued disobedience is How The Mighty Did Fall.

The outcome of the battle against the Philistines would have been different if Saul had obeyed God.

Anytime a leader is destroyed, the sheep is left in a vulnerable place. It all depends upon the heart of the people after a tragedy that will determine whether they will survive it, overcome it, or never rise again, and be scattered.

The ministry of a pastor is very complicated and complex. The dangers for a pastor range from bouts with loneliness to abrasive, pompous displays of pride and arrogance.

Pride and arrogance is not a reflection on Pastor Tims, but it is a reflection on my own life as a pastor.

It’s time to uncover the scandal before the scandal.

My life is the object lesson of any pastor that still desires Secret Sexual Sins. It is time to expose what we pastors do or have done in secret.

As I have preached before, the people only see a small part of the life of most ministers. That small life is the part that carries a high impact on the people. From the pulpit, he or she is able to communicate the Scriptures in the most dynamic way possible.

The goal is to change as many lives as possible so that they reflect the very life of Jesus from new birth to death. While a pastor is powerless to change a life, pastors certainly can impart into a life and, by the Holy Spirit, shape that person to reflect the very life of Jesus (see Romans 8:29-30).

This is what discipleship is all about.

Disciples are not just called upon to be taught. Disciples are called upon to take what is taught and implement it throughout the course of life. It is not enough to declare that you are a follower of Christ. Your life must now reflect your statement. Otherwise, you are operating under false pretenses.

With pastors, when it comes to living before God’s people, one statement comes to mind. One pastor told me as my wife and I were preparing to resume pastoral ministry is that, “You must have the smell of sheep on you.”

Translation?

A pastor’s ministry is among the people of God. We are called upon to minister to the people as a shepherd ministers to His sheep.

This requires diligence, transparency, honest, integrity, holiness, and brokenness or humility.

Lives that reflect humility or humbleness of mind will always avoid humiliation.

This is important because when you are ministering to His people, if your life lack these basic ministerial ingredients, it makes living a life free of “contaminating influences” a serious problem for those in ministry (see James 3:1).

Getting back to “the most targeted ministry gift,” we are called upon, not just to minister the Word of God, we pastors are called upon to minister out of our lives. The devil hates any minister but in particular, the pastor that constantly points people to the rightly divided Word of truth and ultimately, towards Jesus.

Sometimes, the Lord calls us into ministry with busted, sin filled, broken lives. And we wonder “Why are you mindful of us? Why do you take the time to visit with us?” (see Psalm 8:4).

Usually, it’s because we should have found a way to overcome in our busted, sin filled, broken lives. He takes us and uses us as He pleases. Provided we do what He said in His Word and be faithful to Him.

God didn’t call us to try to be faithful. He called us to be faithful. He didn’t call us to try to live holy. He called us to be holy. He didn’t call us to try to have life and have it more abundantly. He called us to have life and have it more abundantly.

I’ll say it again. It’s not a reflection upon any pastor. It’s a reflection on my life as a pastor.

There is no question that pastors must live above the fray. We are called upon to live holy, honest, full of integrity kind of lives before God and the people. The Lord and the God of the Bible doesn’t give any exceptions. That’s why we must deal with issues that we may not want to deal with.

For many pastors living sinful lives, no matter how good our preaching game is, it is difficult to preach to people to live according to the word of God when we are not living the Word of God we preached for ourselves.

Such was my case.

Let’s try to understand the scandal behind the scandal. Not from Pastor Tims life, but from mine.

The worst sin a pastor could commit is the sin of hypocrisy.

Secret Sexual Sins is a scandal of hypocrisy.

WHY THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN?

1. Pride and Arrogance

When a pastor fails to walk in humility, the Lord has a way of dealing with you.

When I was in my life of Secret Sexual Sins, I was full of pride and arrogance.

Porn and self gratification, commonly called masturbation, was a mainstay in my life. One of the things that I knew was the Word of God but how to live the Word was a different story.

My personality and ability to project my persona was key to cloaking known sin in my life.

1 John 2:15-17 says, “Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and pride of life is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world will pass away and the lust thereof but he that does the will of the Father abides forever.”

In these three things, “the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life,” was my secret world of sexual sins.

Lust or the desire for that which is forbidden, drove my every move. My eyes would be in search mode to “file” flesh in my mind to gratify my flesh at night. The pride part was my ability to assume that I would never get caught because I would overuse and abuse 1 John 1:8-9.

However, the Lord would be the Only One able to look past my eyes and know what was in my heart and mind. There are many pastors that is unwilling to deal with this area because it is a revelation that need not be exposed.

Why doesn’t a pastor want his Secret Sexual Sins to be exposed?

One person once said on Focus On The Family, “If God exposes it, I have no job. If I expose it, I keep my job.”

Committing sin makes it seem fun up to a point, but we do not understand that when we sin, we break the heart of the Father, and we must be disciplined by Him. Sin hurts God like a child that run away from home.

Besides, that’s what the prodigal son was partly about.

Freedom to sin or freedom to be “human” by running away from home.

When we are dealing with our own personal hurts, pains, wounds, loses, and successes, sexuality is the greatest “pick me” up or rewarder known to man.

Dr. Archibald Hart, who wrote the book, “The Sexual Man” said, (paraphrasing) “No matter what kind of success or failure you have in life, sex is used as a rewarder.”

Why?

There are four basic chemicals that take place in men. Testosterone, adrenaline, vasopressin, and dopamine. The male sex drive is a very powerful drive.

The mighty have fallen because there is a lack of control of these hormones.

When failure or low times after a “mountain top” event is experienced in the life of a pastor, he will seek sex to reward himself.

Such was the case in my life. When the reward chemical “dopamine” enters the blood stream, it is very difficult to abstain unless you operate in the discipline of Romans chapter 6 and 1 Corinthians 9:27. To abstain from sexual immorality and live a sanctified life according to 1 Thessalonians 4:1-5, you must understand what is going on with you. You must identify your “trigger mechanisms” or events that start you down the path to fulfill the need for satisfaction.

The “urges and impulses” of the body will not stop. They are there as part of your physical make up. However, we must learn the “sexual discipline” of Jesus according to Hebrews 4:12-16.

Sin is sin and there is no excuse for it because of what the Lord has done for us on the cross.

Along with this, when a pastor reaches a level of success, he feels he need to reward himself apart from Christ. And even though he may be married, it doesn’t make a difference. If he is single or divorced, it’s a different ballgame.

The temptations are even greater when you are single or divorced. The reward of sex and getting that dopamine fix will drive a man to get that reward over and over again. And in some cases, escalate from fantasy into reality very rapidly.

Patrick Carnes’ Cycle of Sexual Addiction is a classic explanation that powerfully depicts the sexual addict.

1. Thoughts and Fantasy.

2. Ritual.

3. Acting Out.

4. Remorse.

How do you know that you are a sex addict?

When you cannot stop or manage your sex life. When you cannot stop masturbating or thinking about sex. When the urge is permitted to exceed your ability to say no and keep your hands from touching yourself sexually.

Pride and arrogance will bring a man to the 4 “E’s” of pride and arrogance.

1. Elitism

2. Entitlement

3. Empowerment

4. Expediency

Briefly, when a person feels that they have made it in life, there is a sense of accomplishment apart from humility called “elitism.”

Elitism takes you to “entitlement.” You believe that you are entitled to certain things, including sex for yourself, whether it is self sex, prostitution, or affairs. That’s why certain promiscuous pastors have many women in the same church to choose from.

Or, they go to different speaking engagements and make arrangements. Such as the saying in the Navy that I served in 30 years ago. “A woman in every port,” a woman in every church is not that far off.

Entitlement takes you to “empowerment.” You go after your pursuit of your reward and you will not be denied. Mind you, while all of these things are going on, there is only one thing that is driving these “E’s.” The male sex drive. Testosterone, adrenaline, vasopressin, and dopamine.

Finally, empowerment takes you to “expediency.” You will violate every ethical or principle you lived by to satisfy yourself.

Why is this important?

When you are dealing with the church culture, there is a “seamless connection.”

The “seamless connection” is drug and alcohol dependency, and sexual immorality.

The use of drugs or alcohol heightens the escape experience. Drugs and alcohol is a part of the escape from reality. Sex is used to feel some measure of intimacy.

Even in the church, there are people that come to church high or they are coming down from that high. Just go back to the days of the jazz world in Harlem, Broadway, and lower Manhattan, and you will understand some of the history of the drug, alcohol, and sex culture.

They were interconnected to provide a false sense of peace and escape. The volatile activities of the pressures of life that pervade the soul; coupled with demonic suggestions to search for places where these destructive tools were available, is more prevalent than we are willing to discuss.

Many will try to sweep it all under rug in the church because we do not want to expose the reality that these things are happening more often than we are willing to admit. Partly because we want to protect the image of our leaders and the people that we minister to.

This is what is not supposed to happen. If we are the children of the King, we need to come to the King of kings to get healed, delivered, and set free. To hide the true dealings of what happens in the church is only setting our selves up to see another leader or believer’s life destroyed. Concealing what we do as sin only makes us a co-conspirator.

“Touch not mine anointed” and “Do not judge” is code for, “Do not judge my leader because if you expose his or her sins, it will force me to deal with my sins.”

These tools reveal a known fact that people that fail or succeed are hurting within and will look to commit sin to find rest. It is silly because the God of the universe is the only One that knows all about us and can fix anyone (see Matthew 11:25-30).

But we do not believe our own preaching.

So we retreat to the secret place of sin instead of the secret place of the Lord to heal our wounds in sin ourselves. All behind closed doors so that our facade is preserved.

This is the hidden world of pastors, music ministers, praise and worship leaders, and male dancers.

The desire to feel affirmed, loved, accepted, and accomplished.

Hence, male orgasm is the one way to accomplish something positive in life.

How stupid and deceived I was.

The devil has lied to us and we have fed these lies with our desire to heal ourselves.

This is the hidden world of Christian believers in almost every local church, denomination and non denomination.

We are intentionally blind to MOAB, the Mother Of All Battles called sexual immorality.

The mighty will continue to fall until we pull back the veil and uncover the secret world behind every scandal.

If we don’t, we have no one else to blame, and we will see another tragedy unfold before our eyes.

We will continue this subject in the next blog.

www.amazon.com/SecretSexualSins/lm/R368T18PDSQB6F

www.prevailingwordbiblechurch.org

Perversions Of A Pastor

by Fred C. Rochester, Pastor. Copyright 2011. All Rights Reserved.

On Saturday, you retreat to the living room, pick up the remote and flip through channels. All of a sudden, a woman, or a man is on the screen that aroused you sexually.

That image wasn’t enough so you retreat to the privacy of your room to go on the Internet, or you go “pay per view” to watch porn. You go back to your bedroom to release sexual tension. Self gratification, commonly called masturbation, or use other forms of sexual perversion to release sexual tension.

These are some of the behind the scenes scandals that always lead to the big scandals.

Acting out sexually always begin in the secret places and then when it reaches it apex, the big story comes leaping out at the church, the Internet, and the world.

Sometimes we wait for a big scandal to discover a pastor’s secret perversion. Not realizing that there are many pastors that live perverted lives in secret.

No sex scandal is without this level of secret perversion.

I was one such pastor that live a life of sexual perversion. A level one sex addict. Having came clean about porn and masturbation, the Lord caused me to see a serious predictable pattern in my own life that may be somewhat similar in the lives of other perverted pastors.

LUST OF THE FLESH

For many preachers, we are mere humans. We succumb to the flesh. We know what the Bible says to others but we refuse to receive what the Bible says for us. We know how to minister to others but we dare not receive the Word for ourselves.

We love to hide our perversions behind the personality. You can’t hide sin behind the anointing because the anointing always leave where sin is present (see 1 Samuel chapter 4).

When we are in sin, we believe that there is nothing wrong with us. Saints, there is more to it than meets the eye. Sin is not a “train wreck.” Sin is defiance of God.

Man loves to fulfill the desires of the flesh and mind.

Perversion is “the curve that reverses the direction of something,” or “the action of perverting something (turning it to a wrong use).”

When it comes to fulfilling the desires of the flesh and the mind, you will do things to escalate or heighten the pleasure to achieve satisfaction. When the normal course of sexual satisfaction isn’t enough, the suggestions that come from ourselves or from the devil, if acted upon, sets the stage for experiencing perversions of the vilest kind.

One of the things that I am aware is that when it comes to the paths, means, and methods of achieving satisfaction, there is no end. In other words, we look for fulfillment in prescribing certain activities that add to achieve illusive pleasure.

Meditating on sexual thoughts, watching sexually laced movies, feminine seductions in music videos, porn, sports, exercise videos, sex filled books and magazines, Internet porn, sex filled chat rooms, prostitution, adultery, fornication, and homosexuality. Ultimately, we will cross the line into crime in search for that heightened sense to achieve orgasm.

It’s just a matter of time.

Cutting right to the chase.

It’s not just the orgasm that is important. It is the path, means, or methods used to achieve orgasm. This is what sexual perversion is all about. But what makes what we desire powerful is the path, means, and methods to achieve fulfillment. Our willingness to commit sin is what gives sin it’s power.

Hidden deep inside a pastor is several things that is evident.

The desire to be loved, affirmed, and touched.

But what we are really looking for is true intimacy with God. Sexual perversion has replaced God. Sexual perversion dethroned God from our hearts. Sexual perversion is the deification of man. Sexual perversion is false satisfaction. Sexual perversion is the carrot on the stick that will never be eaten.

TRIGGER MECHANISMS

Rejection, failure, loneliness, fear, disappointments, frustrations, anger, disillusionment, despondency, depression and other emotional “trigger mechanisms” are used to put us on a path to search for emotional healing of these wounds.

In a nut shell, we are all looking for true intimacy in false places.

We are looking for God but we refuse to come to Him because we’ve become emotionally attached to healing ourselves in the place of false intimacy. That’s why when a person is challenged to “flee sexual immorality” the fight is on.

Because we are spirit, soul, and body, we fail to keep these areas in their proper sequence. When we are out of sequence, it always begins with something perverted.

Body, soul, spirit. Hence, the definition of perversion, “turning it to a wrong use.”

We act like a little child. The body says, “I want this.” The mind says, “I want it.” The spirit is told to, “Sit there and be quiet.”

We must turn against all perversion and allow the Lord to help us to assume complete command of our spirit, soul, and body.

Our spirit man says, “Prayer and fasting.” Our soul is commanded to, “Agree. Resistance is futile.” Our body just goes along for the ride….in the hearse. Remember, we are dead to sin (see Romans chapter 6).

Body, soul, and spirit dictated my sexual perversion. Alive to sin, but dead to God. The secret perverted life of porn and self gratification, commonly called masturbation, was permitted to govern everything I did.

I was using the commission of sex acts as a means of “medicinal properties.” When a doctor self prescribes an anecdote, if it isn’t the right medicine, it could have devastating results and consequences.

I was a pharmacy. Prescribing my own healing solution or spell.

It’s the same with preachers.

To be honest, the pleasure was too intense to give it up. That’s the whole concept of sin. Satisfaction will never be achieved because you’ve grown accustomed to being satisfied with sin. Sexual perversion is soothing but deadly because you are cutting yourself off from the Author of life.

The book of James reveals why humans sin.

James 1:14 says,

“But each on is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed.”

“Sin, when it is finished, brings forth death.”

Sin will never produce life. From the beginning, sin brought nothing but death.

James 1:14 is critical because it all begins with our “own desires.” These desires come from “urges and impulses” interconnected with our thoughts, emotions, and preferences.

Relapse has occurred in my life in the area of self gratification. There was never a relapse of porn. My declaration of freedom in December 3, 2009 was a date established as a reference point to herald my freedom from masturbation.

That date was violated.

I literally worshipped that date instead of worshipping God. It turned out to be another form of pride and arrogance.

I’ve found out that there were more than one way to achieve self gratification. This is when you can achieve self gratification by other means. Your hands may start it but you can have an orgasm another way.

You can argue all you want, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve tried arguing to justify sin but there is no justification of sin. Period! It is the job of the Holy Spirit to convict the world of sin (see John 16:8-11).

I’ve sinned.

So where do I go from here?

I go back to the place where it all started. I start all over agin to re-establish personal holiness in the fear of God. I repent, all over again. I declare that I’ve sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. I ask and receive His love and forgiveness. Not for violating the date. But for violating the Lord.

I look to Him to forgive me of hypocrisy, selfishness, lust of the flesh, the eyes, and the pride of life. Sexual perverted thoughts in the slightest ways.

I look not to deliver but to be delivered. I look to the Lord to teach me, lead me not into temptation.

DOOMED TO SEXUAL PERVERSION

There are many pastors that feel doomed to their hidden sexually perverted desires. They feel that there is no way out. But like me and many others, we relapse because we haven’t found or fully intended to yield to true satisfaction in Jesus.

It is when you have declared Jesus Lord over every part of you, including your sexual organs, that you have to make a stand that freedom from sexual perversion is secured.

Paul said, “I beat my body” (see 1 Corinthians 9:27).

Breaking free and staying free is about beating the urges and impulses back before they rise above the limit of your resistance.

But you cannot break free and stay free on your own.

This is the mistake that I, and every pastor that desires to be free makes. Please do not assume for one minute that I remain perverted. To confess something that Christ delivered you from is error.

“He whom the Son sets free is free indeed” John 8:32.

However, if we practice sin, then our declaration of freedom is questionable, at best.

You cannot be in prison and be free at the same time. Either you are free or you are not.

If you are making a good faith effort to be free, the Lord will take where you are and build within you a stronghold of righteousness for His glory. Just leave the sin outside the door, and never look back.

When a relapse occur, you think that you are anointed enough to minister to you. You think you have enough Bible knowledge in you that you can “speak a word” to yourself and be delivered.

When you gain knowledge about how to stand and you stand a little while, there will come times of testing. Not just from the devil but also from your own flesh and mind. Sometimes we want to attract attention to ourselves for selfish reasons. We take pride before others in being “delivered.”

Not realizing that the fall is coming if we do not do what Paul said.

Paul said, “…take heed, lest you fall” (see 1 Corinthians 10:12).

When you take heed, you are carefully watching yourself. You are watching your tendencies, your thoughts, your actions, your ways. You are exposing yourself. You are giving yourself to God and His Word. You are talking to other men or women of faith to keep your heart pure before God. You are humble and contrite. You are fasting and praying. You are accountable to others in your circle of accountability.

This is all a part of taking heed.

Relapse may occur but it is not final. There is hope and victory. Lasting victory in Jesus.

You have to stop trusting your own independent ability apart from the ability of God. When you trust in your knowledge to deliver you, this is pride and arrogance. When you try to “help” other men or women be delivered when you are not ready, you will fall.

There is no question about your desire to be zealous to deliver others, but when you fail to grasp the Lord and the Word for yourself, with others watching your life, speaking truth in your inner man, it is just a matter of time before you will have a relapse.

There were times in my own life when the urge to fulfill the desires of the flesh and mind overwhelmed me. The porn could be played over and over again in the mind because of the sheer volume of porn introduced to the portals of the soul in our memory.

It takes time to dethrone each image. It takes time to identify the “trigger mechanisms” in my life. It takes time to dismantle each device and to guard my heart and mind with the Word. In my own life, these thoughts are constantly bombarding and attacking the Word of God in me every day. But every day, I must be found in the Word for me.

Then the flesh cries out to be self touched. The flesh cries to be touched instead of disciplined. The discipline comes when you reckon your flesh to be dead to sin but alive to God. When you tell your flesh that you cannot respond to the urges and impulses, the flesh will cry out more.

This is where prayer and fasting comes into play. You shut off the TV, DVD’s, and everything else that starts you down the path to arouse your flesh to fulfill its lusts.

Lasting victory is the will of God, provided that we “take heed.”

www.blogtalkradio.com/prevailingword1 (please listen to our Secret Sexual Sins Broadcast)

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