by Fred C. Rochester, Pastor. Copyright 2011. All Rights Reserved.
On Saturday, you retreat to the living room, pick up the remote and flip through channels. All of a sudden, a woman, or a man is on the screen that aroused you sexually.
That image wasn’t enough so you retreat to the privacy of your room to go on the Internet, or you go “pay per view” to watch porn. You go back to your bedroom to release sexual tension. Self gratification, commonly called masturbation, or use other forms of sexual perversion to release sexual tension.
These are some of the behind the scenes scandals that always lead to the big scandals.
Acting out sexually always begin in the secret places and then when it reaches it apex, the big story comes leaping out at the church, the Internet, and the world.
Sometimes we wait for a big scandal to discover a pastor’s secret perversion. Not realizing that there are many pastors that live perverted lives in secret.
No sex scandal is without this level of secret perversion.
I was one such pastor that live a life of sexual perversion. A level one sex addict. Having came clean about porn and masturbation, the Lord caused me to see a serious predictable pattern in my own life that may be somewhat similar in the lives of other perverted pastors.
LUST OF THE FLESH
For many preachers, we are mere humans. We succumb to the flesh. We know what the Bible says to others but we refuse to receive what the Bible says for us. We know how to minister to others but we dare not receive the Word for ourselves.
We love to hide our perversions behind the personality. You can’t hide sin behind the anointing because the anointing always leave where sin is present (see 1 Samuel chapter 4).
When we are in sin, we believe that there is nothing wrong with us. Saints, there is more to it than meets the eye. Sin is not a “train wreck.” Sin is defiance of God.
Man loves to fulfill the desires of the flesh and mind.
Perversion is “the curve that reverses the direction of something,” or “the action of perverting something (turning it to a wrong use).”
When it comes to fulfilling the desires of the flesh and the mind, you will do things to escalate or heighten the pleasure to achieve satisfaction. When the normal course of sexual satisfaction isn’t enough, the suggestions that come from ourselves or from the devil, if acted upon, sets the stage for experiencing perversions of the vilest kind.
One of the things that I am aware is that when it comes to the paths, means, and methods of achieving satisfaction, there is no end. In other words, we look for fulfillment in prescribing certain activities that add to achieve illusive pleasure.
Meditating on sexual thoughts, watching sexually laced movies, feminine seductions in music videos, porn, sports, exercise videos, sex filled books and magazines, Internet porn, sex filled chat rooms, prostitution, adultery, fornication, and homosexuality. Ultimately, we will cross the line into crime in search for that heightened sense to achieve orgasm.
It’s just a matter of time.
Cutting right to the chase.
It’s not just the orgasm that is important. It is the path, means, or methods used to achieve orgasm. This is what sexual perversion is all about. But what makes what we desire powerful is the path, means, and methods to achieve fulfillment. Our willingness to commit sin is what gives sin it’s power.
Hidden deep inside a pastor is several things that is evident.
The desire to be loved, affirmed, and touched.
But what we are really looking for is true intimacy with God. Sexual perversion has replaced God. Sexual perversion dethroned God from our hearts. Sexual perversion is the deification of man. Sexual perversion is false satisfaction. Sexual perversion is the carrot on the stick that will never be eaten.
Rejection, failure, loneliness, fear, disappointments, frustrations, anger, disillusionment, despondency, depression and other emotional “trigger mechanisms” are used to put us on a path to search for emotional healing of these wounds.
In a nut shell, we are all looking for true intimacy in false places.
We are looking for God but we refuse to come to Him because we’ve become emotionally attached to healing ourselves in the place of false intimacy. That’s why when a person is challenged to “flee sexual immorality” the fight is on.
Because we are spirit, soul, and body, we fail to keep these areas in their proper sequence. When we are out of sequence, it always begins with something perverted.
Body, soul, spirit. Hence, the definition of perversion, “turning it to a wrong use.”
We act like a little child. The body says, “I want this.” The mind says, “I want it.” The spirit is told to, “Sit there and be quiet.”
We must turn against all perversion and allow the Lord to help us to assume complete command of our spirit, soul, and body.
Our spirit man says, “Prayer and fasting.” Our soul is commanded to, “Agree. Resistance is futile.” Our body just goes along for the ride….in the hearse. Remember, we are dead to sin (see Romans chapter 6).
Body, soul, and spirit dictated my sexual perversion. Alive to sin, but dead to God. The secret perverted life of porn and self gratification, commonly called masturbation, was permitted to govern everything I did.
I was using the commission of sex acts as a means of “medicinal properties.” When a doctor self prescribes an anecdote, if it isn’t the right medicine, it could have devastating results and consequences.
I was a pharmacy. Prescribing my own healing solution or spell.
It’s the same with preachers.
To be honest, the pleasure was too intense to give it up. That’s the whole concept of sin. Satisfaction will never be achieved because you’ve grown accustomed to being satisfied with sin. Sexual perversion is soothing but deadly because you are cutting yourself off from the Author of life.
The book of James reveals why humans sin.
James 1:14 says,
“But each on is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed.”
“Sin, when it is finished, brings forth death.”
Sin will never produce life. From the beginning, sin brought nothing but death.
James 1:14 is critical because it all begins with our “own desires.” These desires come from “urges and impulses” interconnected with our thoughts, emotions, and preferences.
Relapse has occurred in my life in the area of self gratification. There was never a relapse of porn. My declaration of freedom in December 3, 2009 was a date established as a reference point to herald my freedom from masturbation.
That date was violated.
I literally worshipped that date instead of worshipping God. It turned out to be another form of pride and arrogance.
I’ve found out that there were more than one way to achieve self gratification. This is when you can achieve self gratification by other means. Your hands may start it but you can have an orgasm another way.
You can argue all you want, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve tried arguing to justify sin but there is no justification of sin. Period! It is the job of the Holy Spirit to convict the world of sin (see John 16:8-11).
So where do I go from here?
I go back to the place where it all started. I start all over agin to re-establish personal holiness in the fear of God. I repent, all over again. I declare that I’ve sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. I ask and receive His love and forgiveness. Not for violating the date. But for violating the Lord.
I look to Him to forgive me of hypocrisy, selfishness, lust of the flesh, the eyes, and the pride of life. Sexual perverted thoughts in the slightest ways.
I look not to deliver but to be delivered. I look to the Lord to teach me, lead me not into temptation.
DOOMED TO SEXUAL PERVERSION
There are many pastors that feel doomed to their hidden sexually perverted desires. They feel that there is no way out. But like me and many others, we relapse because we haven’t found or fully intended to yield to true satisfaction in Jesus.
It is when you have declared Jesus Lord over every part of you, including your sexual organs, that you have to make a stand that freedom from sexual perversion is secured.
Paul said, “I beat my body” (see 1 Corinthians 9:27).
Breaking free and staying free is about beating the urges and impulses back before they rise above the limit of your resistance.
But you cannot break free and stay free on your own.
This is the mistake that I, and every pastor that desires to be free makes. Please do not assume for one minute that I remain perverted. To confess something that Christ delivered you from is error.
“He whom the Son sets free is free indeed” John 8:32.
However, if we practice sin, then our declaration of freedom is questionable, at best.
You cannot be in prison and be free at the same time. Either you are free or you are not.
If you are making a good faith effort to be free, the Lord will take where you are and build within you a stronghold of righteousness for His glory. Just leave the sin outside the door, and never look back.
When a relapse occur, you think that you are anointed enough to minister to you. You think you have enough Bible knowledge in you that you can “speak a word” to yourself and be delivered.
When you gain knowledge about how to stand and you stand a little while, there will come times of testing. Not just from the devil but also from your own flesh and mind. Sometimes we want to attract attention to ourselves for selfish reasons. We take pride before others in being “delivered.”
Not realizing that the fall is coming if we do not do what Paul said.
Paul said, “…take heed, lest you fall” (see 1 Corinthians 10:12).
When you take heed, you are carefully watching yourself. You are watching your tendencies, your thoughts, your actions, your ways. You are exposing yourself. You are giving yourself to God and His Word. You are talking to other men or women of faith to keep your heart pure before God. You are humble and contrite. You are fasting and praying. You are accountable to others in your circle of accountability.
This is all a part of taking heed.
Relapse may occur but it is not final. There is hope and victory. Lasting victory in Jesus.
You have to stop trusting your own independent ability apart from the ability of God. When you trust in your knowledge to deliver you, this is pride and arrogance. When you try to “help” other men or women be delivered when you are not ready, you will fall.
There is no question about your desire to be zealous to deliver others, but when you fail to grasp the Lord and the Word for yourself, with others watching your life, speaking truth in your inner man, it is just a matter of time before you will have a relapse.
There were times in my own life when the urge to fulfill the desires of the flesh and mind overwhelmed me. The porn could be played over and over again in the mind because of the sheer volume of porn introduced to the portals of the soul in our memory.
It takes time to dethrone each image. It takes time to identify the “trigger mechanisms” in my life. It takes time to dismantle each device and to guard my heart and mind with the Word. In my own life, these thoughts are constantly bombarding and attacking the Word of God in me every day. But every day, I must be found in the Word for me.
Then the flesh cries out to be self touched. The flesh cries to be touched instead of disciplined. The discipline comes when you reckon your flesh to be dead to sin but alive to God. When you tell your flesh that you cannot respond to the urges and impulses, the flesh will cry out more.
This is where prayer and fasting comes into play. You shut off the TV, DVD’s, and everything else that starts you down the path to arouse your flesh to fulfill its lusts.
Lasting victory is the will of God, provided that we “take heed.”
www.blogtalkradio.com/prevailingword1 (please listen to our Secret Sexual Sins Broadcast)