After you’ve started going out with him, he shows that he is responsible. Has a good paying job. Equally important, he makes every effort to treat you like the woman he would want to marry. Over the course of the courtship, you’ve shown that you are a great help in his life. He trusts your “help” and you have been there, supportive of most of the things he purposes to do in life.
You’ve found that you compliment each other, and he finally reaches a point to where you are indispensable. He depends upon you and you depend upon him.
He takes his time because that’s the way it is with most men. Most men take more time than a woman is willing to understand. He is about to commit to one woman and for most men, it’s the most challenging aspect of relationships.
Marriage is a very important, life changing event.
He spent some time making up his mind. For most women, way too much time. He worked hard to muster up the courage to propose. He worked hard to give you an indication that he is the right man.
“Mr. Right” is hard to come by these days. But unbeknownst to women, with for every 3 or 4 woman to 1 man, Mrs. Right is just as hard to come by too.
Most women think that it should be an easy choice, but it isn’t.
The Lord said in the Word of God that “What God has joined together, let not man put asunder.”
Meaning that the union is part of the plan of God. However, the Bible also says, “He that finds a wife, finds good, and obtains favor from the Lord.”
The man must spend time finding the right one that is right for him.
Not every man is right and not every woman is right.
God certainly doesn’t join incompatible people. It doesn’t make any sense to get married, separate over irreconcilable differences, and later, end it all in divorce. Matthew 19:4-10 is a good reason why it doesn’t make any sense.
As a note, when you see two people constantly going head to head over major and trivial issues without reconciliation, it is a good indication that the signs of incompatibility exists and to ignore these signs is no different than reading a sign “DEAD END,” but you keep driving, disbelieving in complete ignorance what that sign said.
That’s what makes courting so challenging and in some cases, rewarding for both prospective couples.
Up to the last moment, before the proposal, he is still calculating, analyzing, and critiquing his decision. He wants to be absolutely sure that she is the one.
A man will go through a maze of certain aspects and questions that brings him to a decision or indecision. He becomes more deliberate in his deliberation. Sometimes to the point of second guessing and over-analysis that brings some men to a point of mental paralysis.
This form of “hesitation” is exhibited in a change of his behavior.
Over the course of the courtship, a few events will always transpire that will bring questions to each couple. So challenging that sometimes, Mr. Right and Miss. Right will question themselves if their relationship is wrong.
But this is where they begin to really see each other under pressing and stressing conditions. Whether they could weather through some turbulent times in just the planning of the wedding.
The woman is looking for her fiancé to approve the details of the wedding. Some men like to be that involved and others, for the most part, will not be as involved. It is not a sign that he is disinterested because he is probably thinking about other issues.
Where to live?
Will his job be enough to handle the addition of another person?
Children isn’t on his mind but in any marriage, children will add to the stress for both.
The wedding day is the most important day for a woman. For the man too but in a different way.
She meticulously plans every detail. She puts her every effort to make that day the most memorable moment of her life.
On that day, it’s all about the bride.
She accepted the proposal of her new male fiancé and in her mind, she releases her excitement. That moment becomes the pinnacle of her life.
After the excitement of accepting the proposal, with her new engagement ring to “flash” around to her girlfriends, she shifts gears. Or she is modest about it but other females begin to notice what’s on her left ring finger that wasn’t there yesterday.
She discusses the date of her wedding with her fiancé, which is normal because all other plans hinge on establishing the date of matrimony.
But what about her fiancé?
He is excited that his fiancé accepted his proposal.
With planning a wedding, many women want to know if her fiancé is equally excited about the planning aspect. She wants to feel that her fiancé is involved and interested.
It is here that many women feel that they are sometimes all alone when he seems disinterested.
Any feedback is met with a man’s “generalized” answers that seem distant, cold and disconnected. That connection that you once had when the proposal came, became a distant memory.
But is there a disconnection?
For most men, the connection is still there whether he says something or not.
He hasn’t changed his mind and is confident in his selection. Otherwise, he would not have proposed.
What goes on in the mind of a man when a woman begins planning the wedding?
As the day of matrimony gets closer, he is concentrating on what’s about to happen afterwards. While you are planning the wedding, you too are also planning for what is abut to happen afterwards, but it all begins with your arrangement of the most important day of your life.
The man is going through several things.
He is establishing his mentality.
What does that mean?
It means that he is mentally preparing himself to live with you. And you are already doing the same. Whether you realize it or not, as the day gets closer, the nerves get uneasy. It’s normal because neither of you have been this way before.
The “unknown” has a way of doing this.
It means that he is determining what needs to be done just like you are determining what needs to be done.
There is no need to “PUSH” each other and apply more pressure on top of the pressure each of you is experiencing.
It seems like he is going in the opposite direction but unbeknownst to you, it is in tandem with what you are doing.
It is here that attitudes will adjust or fly off the handle. Nervousness of the unknown, and “Murphy’s Law” will be in operation. While no one wants anything to go wrong, either with the planning of the wedding or the marriage, it is here that you may see the best bonding take place.
Spiritually and emotionally.
In the end, you will say “It was worth it all.”
You will have a wealth of memories and experience to pass to the next generation when you have children. You will see them go through the same thing and both of you will smile.
The challenge is to learn how to read each other in a caring way so as not to further frazzle each other’s nerves.
While the wedding planning is going on, it’s about perfection. But equally important, you are each learning about each other in ways never seen or experienced before.
To make the most of that day, look to not get on each other’s nerves by “walking in the Spirit and not in the flesh.” It is very easy to fly off the handle when things go wrong.
And they will go wrong.
How you take the pressure off of each other will go a long ways to bonding.
Learn to have each other’s best interest in mind instead of looking to let the pressure of the moment cause you to say hurtful things and make regrettable decisions that carry over into the marriage.
When you continue to bicker and fight over issues, the heat of anger could blind people. Almost to the point of calling off the wedding. It’s been done before.
Both of you are under considerable pressure.
The least you could do is exasperate the situation(s).
Sometimes, it could mean that each of you need a light moment.
A break from planning would be nice. Yes, you are under time constrains but never put more pressure on yourself than you need. You will find that it will all work itself out.
As a woman, you want your fiancé involved because you are about to bond. If it appears that he seems like he is not involved as you think he should be, just remember, he hasn’t changed his mind. To add more to each other’s plate is not the best thing to do. To establish “ultimatums” to get your fiancé to respond to you isn’t healthy either.
Remember, a man usually will not see things the way that you do, and it’s the same for the woman. Two different view points doesn’t necessarily indicate a rift in the relationship.
Are you willing to accept his view point?
Are you willing to accept her view point?
Is it grounds for postponement? Annulment?
Usually, it isn’t.
There is just as much pressure on him that it is on you. At this point, you do not think so, but just know that both of you are under pressure. What will you do to make things better as opposed to making things unbearable is up to you.
You could either put rocks in your bed and sleep in it or take the rocks out and sleep in a nice bed.
We all know the saying.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it.”
You’ve invited a lot of friends and what they see, or what you want them to see is that your husband to be is happy about his selection. You want everyone to know that your marriage will work.
Weddings are a show to the world that your marriage is of God, that it is right, and that it will work.
Take the time to appreciate the moment.
There will be tough times ahead, but there will be good times ahead that will make whatever bad times you’ve experienced something to look back on and smile as you age together.
It’s no longer a surprise that porn is in the bedroom.
In fact, mostly, it’s in the bedroom before the marriage.
Many wives are wondering if their husbands will ever break this thing, however, a man cannot break porn and masturbation by himself. It takes the power of God and a willingness to do without it.
Before we engage in this topic, we see that single parenting is a major issue because of the times we are living in.
It is getting rarer these days to marry a virgin.
Back in the day, if you say that you were a virgin, you were laughed at, ridiculed, and scorned.
Sex was a right of passage for teens but little did we know the repercussions.
Approximately 5% to 7% of African Americans in the 1950’s and 1960’s were single parents.
The shame of having a child out of wedlock reverberated in the neighborhood. Families were the bedrock of African American society. Partly because the majority of them attended church. However, I will say that just because you attend a church service doesn’t mean that you were automatically saved. However, we see that living according to the Word of God was more important.
We also see that in those days, there was the element of the world. Jazz clubs and other worldly influences did affect families. It wasn’t as neat as we think back in the day.
In the progressive liberalism and moderate conservativeness 21st Century, it is estimated that 72% of African American children live in a single parent home.
It is clear that the sexual activity has exponentially increased over the last 6 decades.
Therefore, it is safe to say that a great portion of males and females will enter into their marriage sexually active.
While there is much to blame as far as the external temptations around, it appears that the church is the least consulted place because of the Bible’s prohibition on free for all sex.
Women suffer the most because sexually active men have more than one partner. They have themselves when they masturbate, but when they want a body, like male lions, they seek their “pride.”
Pride, in the sense that they have multiple females to choose from that is willing to give up the sexual use of their bodies for free. On the other hand, it’s the same with females. They look for willing males that will give up the use of their bodies, money, and other trinkets that go with having sex for free.
There is a small contingent of women that look for male companionship without marriage because of careers, jobs, and other issues.
However, for the female virgin that saves themselves for their husband, it is safe to say that they may encounter a sexually experienced, active male. The sexually active male brings into the bedroom several women because according to 1 Corinthians 6:16 “Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh.”
So depending on his sexual habits, he is bringing many women into the marriage bed.
However, there is another thing that has to be considered.
Since the Lord declared that “sight adultery” is no different than “physical adultery,” the male must dump them all for the one he selected to marry. It’s the same with the woman. She too must do a soul dump of all her sexual partners if she was sexually active.
How is that done?
That’s done by the power of God and the male or the female that was sexually active renounce all soul ties, connections, and associations. Never to return to them again or to make new ones in the future.
This sight adultery is also the pornography that a man or woman watched.
When they act out sexually while watching porn, they are joining themselves to that image.
There are times that a man will want to have sex. During that time of sex with his wife, he takes his wife to where he was. He attempts to engage in sexual positions observed in porn films.
During a counseling session, a woman said that when she was having sex with her husband, she felt dirty. There is no question in my mind that what he was doing was pretending to have sex with that image on the screen in his mind. The things in his heart and mind were transferred into the marriage bedroom, and the spirit of that porn invaded their bedroom.
When the wife is forced into performing like a porn star, she will feel what that woman felt on the porn set. Like a dirty piece of flesh. Should she comply with her husband’s perverted wishes, she will be expected to do that and worse. That’s why when you hear about wives shooting their husbands or mutilated their husbands, it’s not far fetched that she wanted to stop feeling like a piece of meat.
She probably communicated to her husband that she didn’t want to be treated this way and he blew his top. Men get frustrated very easy when they can’t have sex a certain way. So they, in disgust and frustration find a willing prostitute or adulteress to get what he wants. That’s because in his mind, he has burned in his consciousness that what he sees another man experience was enjoyable, and he desires to enjoy sex in that way.
Wives should not have to put up with a man’s childish request. If the wife is uncomfortable with what the husband requests, then he need to back off.
And if you think that is something, there was an incident not too long ago when a woman either shot or stabbed her husband because of “bad sex.”
He got his orgasm but she didn’t.
I know that this is blunt but this what goes on.
She was so mad that she killed him or she shot him and he lived, I can’t remember.
It is necessary for the pastor to get as much information about sexuality so that he or she could engage the prospectus couple in real conversations regarding their sexuality. It is safe to say that the prospectus bridegroom may have observed porn and masturbated. He may not have had sex with other women, but he is sexually active with himself.
A wife must be prepared for the fact that he will have engaged in self sex and may not be satisfied sexually.
As a child of God, we are to be like Jesus. Conformed into His image according to Romans 8:29. If Jesus never masturbated, neither should we. We must remember that we have the fruit of the Spirit called “self control.”
The same self control that Jesus employed when He walked the earth. If we cannot control ourselves sexually, then we may not have the fruit of the Spirit called self control working in us on the level of the Lord Jesus. Jesus sympathizes with us because He was tempted in “all points” (see Hebrews 4:12-16).
For the wife that may be a virgin and may have never engaged in masturbation, her husband’s masturbation habit will frustrate her. While the world will say that this is normal sexual activity for men, it isn’t. Masturbation is a selfish act that men engage in for extracurricular sex. For the most part, mental adultery takes place to further stimulate the man.
When a man engages in masturbation, as Pastor Roger Jamison of Sword of the Spirit Tabernacle in Brooklyn NY said that masturbation is the beginning stages of homosexuality. Also that masturbation is one of the ways in which man loves himself and affirms himself. However, the bottom line of all masturbation is “the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life.”
So ladies, when you are about to tie the knot, just remember that your husband may have issues that must be resolved. And ladies, it’s not going to take one session. When it comes to male sexuality, it takes a while for a man to feel safe to open up about his secrecy. As long as his image is concealed, he can play the game until he is exposed, or he exposes it himself.
Additionally, women that engage in masturbation fall prey to the same issues. In the world of women, concealment of stuff is no different. In her “nip and tuck” world, she want to project an image that is flawless. Shame affects us all but for a woman, shame affects her persona. What others think of her does have an affect. However, when it comes to sin, the shame of sin affects us all regardless of the secret. Regardless of what we do to mask the shame.
What matters in a relationship is honesty and integrity. Marriages that survive and abound are the ones where there is brutal honesty between two persons, seeking to make the best marriage that could stand the tests, trials, and troubles that will come.