Pastor’s Wives; Husband Caught Looking At Another Woman

Here you are, in your car and a woman walks by. You notice out of the corner of your eye that your pastor husband is checking her out. You think nothing of it. But another one walks by and he does the same thing. Only this time, he seems to be enjoying the “movement” and quickly catches out of the corner of his eye that you were looking at him.


Red handed!

What can you do to get him to stop looking at other women?

Usually, it’s a clear indication that pastor/husband may have Secret Sexual Sins going on in his life. What a man does in the privacy of his life is to be exposed. Porn and self gratification, commonly called masturbation may also be in play here.

The objectification of women is the filing of a woman in the mind of man to “ponder” over the image later. Or it may drive him to the Internet or other media forms to satisfy the curiosity of the flesh and the mind.

First, here is some information that you need that you may already be aware of. If not, take the time to read and comprehend the world of men.

Job 31:1 (WEB)

“I made a covenant with my eyes, How then should I look lustfully at a young woman?

What the eyes observe is a revelation of the kind of heart a man has. What a person takes in and what a person ponders uncovers who his Lord is.

The Lord said in Matthew 6:22-23,

“The lamp of the body is the eye. If therefore your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness!”

Whatever you are watching or whatever is allowed into the body through the eye will either be dark or light. Whatever you observe in the natural is quickly analyzed and translated in terms of the spiritual originating source.

If the heart is dark, it is because of what the eye allowed in. If the heart is light, it is because of what the eye allowed in.

If your “eye” is good or as the Greek defines it, “clear or single”.

Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Biblical Words says this about the word “single”….

“is used in the moral sense…of the eye; “singleness” of purpose keeps us from the snare of having a double treasure and consequently a divided heart.”

So when a married man looks at another woman, he has a bad eye and it indicates that he has a double heart because he is treasuring someone else’s woman or just treasuring another woman.

It’s called “objectification.” That’s a polite word for lusting after the flesh.

Jesus called it “adultery.”

Listen to what the Lord said in Matthew 5:27-30,

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery. ’But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.”

You do not have to be in bed with a woman to commit fornication or adultery. The eyes, mind, and hands is all that a man needs to “act out” sexually by himself.

If you were a man during this time and you heard this from the Lord, all of a sudden, you are left with a big decision. Jesus gives a radical command. Then the Lord gives a radical solution to a sinful problem. Jesus knew that it would hurt a man because sin hurts the heart of the Father more.

If you want to really stop lusting with your eyes, pluck your eye out. Now listen. Jesus wasn’t commanding men to start pulling their eyes out. He was declaring that you have to employ the most radical solution to avoid lusting after a woman with your eyes.

The way that I pluck my eye out is by looking the other way. Completely avoid eye contact. Other forms of radical would be to close your eyes when you are seated as they walk by you. Turn off and remove the TV. Stop watching sex laced movies. Stay off the Internet. Give your wife all the access codes to your computer. Get Internet software to blow the whistle on you if you go to questionable sites. Accountability partners, starting with your wife and other band of brothers that will ask you the tough questions and hold your feet to the fire. And to pray for you and counsel you when necessary. When you go to the hotel, ask them to remove the TV, shut down all the cable or satellite feeds to your room. According to XXXChurch, the average time spent watching porn in a hotel room is 12 minutes.

When Christian conferences are held across the country, there is no doubt that some Christian man or pastors will watch porn when they get to their hotel room.

No question in my mind.

To radically shut down the flesh or cut off the eye, you must consider canceling your Directv, Dish, Cable, or other forms of entertainment. Do not take all day to consider. If this has been tripping you up, is it worth going down the path of sin by keeping your subscription if you can’t discipline yourself?

The question is, “How far are you willing to go to keep your eye clear to please the Father?”

You have your wife in the car and another woman walks by, you have to exercise the discipline of covenant (provided that you made a covenant) with your eyes. Your spirit, soul, and body agree never to look at a woman lustfully.

Covenant means agreement or alliance.

Every time a woman comes within your “zone” or periphery, you zone that woman out. This is the most difficult thing to do for men because we were designed to observe beauty. But just because you were designed to “look,” it doesn’t mean that you have permission to look when you want to at will.

When we got married, the search ended. There is no need to “find a wife.” Your right to look was stripped away from you because of the law of marriage (see 1 Corinthians 7:27 & 39).

You have selected your woman, out of all the women in the world, to be your wife. So the search for beauty ends and you are enraptured with the one you’ve selected. No other woman is to be powerful enough to turn your head. No other woman is to capture your attention. No other woman is on the level of beauty and admiration. You have settled and there is no turning back.

Single men have it bad because the variety is too much to bear. Married men have it bad only when they take their eyes off of the one they married to look at another.

How does a pastor’s wife stop her husband from looking?

Great question.

Here are some suggestions….

1. Redirection of what he is searching for.

There is no question that the world’s solution is short sighted. The Biblical solution is the only recommended course.

Your husband has a lust issue.

This is because if he doesn’t spend time in the presence of the Lord in personal devotion, he is only using natural means to satisfy a spiritual desire to be intimate.

Men were created to search. So it makes sense that your husband is to search after the Lord according to Psalm 27:8.

He needs to get back into the presence of the Lord. I read a research statistic from 1996 that 57% of pastors spend less than 20 minutes or less in prayer. This opens the door for more meditation on darkness. Many pastors are wallowing in the dark places because they are not in the secret place as they should.

Intimacy and fellowshipping with God is part of our personal relationship with the Lord. We can be very “professional” in our approach to ministry. It is very easy to turn the switch on to preach and pastor but when it comes to living out of our personal well of everlasting life, we fail miserably. Can the people in your church see Christ in your walk or are they just seeing your professional face as pastor?

2. Your husband needs to return to you.

Perhaps some issues took place in the church or his life that causes him to “detach” or “disconnect” from you. Any disconnection or detachment from the Lord usually cascades into other areas. When a man detaches himself from the Lord, he is searching for reconnection. The places where he wants to connect is what he is prohibited from connecting with.

Marriages suffer tremendously when a male pastor disconnects from God because the next disconnection is the wife and family. As married couples progress, there are many events that take place that drive a male pastor away from his wife. And it usually is not the wife’s fault. When the male pastor’s eye is not single, he will look at another woman and he will not call it sin.

The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life is operating in him and he has yet to learn how to reign in and kill or deprive of power these “animal impulses.”

So how does a wife solve these two problems?

When was the last time you had a real vacation? Or a short time away from the work of the ministry? When was the last time you walked away and left the elders in charge to handle the church affairs? When was the last time you let the relatives handle the kids while you steal away to a hotel for the night?

Most of the time, conferences were as close to hotel as you were going to get. But you need to not plan to go to another conference. You need to plan for you. Husbands are stubborn.

Especially pastor/husbands.

There has to be some way to get your husband reintroduced to who you are. I find that many pastors are so caught up in their work that they forget that they are married and then the flesh and eyes begin to search for everything other than the Lord and their own wives.

It’s time to reassess and get rest. It’s time to get reacquainted with each other before a sex scandal ends another marriage.

When you see your husband/pastor look at another woman, he is searching. He is searching for the wrong thing. He needs to get back into searching for the true and living God and he needs to search you, his wife out, in places away from ministry and work.

To listen to our groundbreaking series, Secret Sexual Sins, click this link

Author: The Minister's Crucible

The Minister's Crucible is designed to inform the Body of Christ about the inner workings of the ministry. The word Crucible from Latin, is "crux" where we get the word "cross" from. It also means a "metal container" where metals and other substances are melted or are subjected to higher temperatures, put to the temperature test. The Lord Jesus said "If any man desires to follow after Me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me." Let's take up our cross and follow Him.

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