Pastoral Sex Scandals; How To Avoid Them

Sex scandals. You know that another one is going to happen. It’s just a matter of when. Truth be told, there are too many undisciplined pastors, sexual predator pastors, immoral women, and Jezebels for another scandal not to happen. One too many is a stain that disturbs the integrity of the purpose of the local church.

Male pastors that fall into these sexual traps do so because of several things. I find that the root cause of all sex scandals is determined by what the pastor is or is not doing in four basic areas.

Number one, his relationship with God in his secret life (prayer & the Word).

Number two, his relationship with his wife.

Number three, his relationship with his peers.

Number four, his relationship with his congregants.

Number one: Relationship with God…

Quality time before God will help to keep most pastors from sexual scandals.

Most pastors have daily devotion. The quality of a pastor’s devotion is in his brokenness before God. When you are too busy to pray and read the Word for you and not for sermons, you are headed for disaster.

Acts 6:4 says, “…but we will give ourselves to prayer and to the ministry of the Word.”

Devoting your life to God requires that you pay attention to the quality of your relationship with God. Is God your friend or is He just God? Having said that, Secret Sexual Sins always creep up when a pastor is not serious about his personal relationship with the Lord. A pastor may know how to pray. A pastor may be a master at articulating and formulating words that sound so spiritual but do they come from the heart.

A pastor’s quality prayer life reveals the depth of his relational intimacy with God. Prayer is the vehicle by which we breath in the presence of the Lord. Prayer, when done correctly, serves as a reminded that we are in the presence, the holy presence of the Lord. Prayer keeps our heart right and in tune with God. Prayer keeps our heart sensitive to the Lord.

Psalm 27:8 says, “The Lord said to me, ‘Seek My face.’ My heart said to Him, ‘Your face, Lord, will I seek.”

This is the kind of praying that communes with God. Pastor Roger Jamison, a mighty man of prayer, calls it, “fellowshipping with the mysteries” (see Ephesians 3:8-11). Mystery in Ephesians has something to do with, according to Strong’s Greek/Hebrew Definitions “the idea of silence imposed by initiation into religious rites.”

So what the Lord is saying is that if you really want to know secrets, fellowship with the Lord in the secret place. The Lord satisfies all our longings inside of us, including the longing to be intimate. True intimacy is when you no longer look to the flesh to find satisfaction as a horse chases after a carrot on a stick. God will satisfy every desire. Every need. Every longing in your heart. Provided you seek Him in the secret place on your face, seeking His grace to avoid disgrace.

You can put your hat on it. Secret Sexual Sins is the scandal behind the scandal. What is going on in a pastor’s private sexual life is the reason for all uncovered sex scandals.

Porn and masturbation is at the top of the list and the root cause of all sexual scandals.

Number two, his relationship with his wife.

Quality time with your wife will help to keep most pastors from sexual scandals.

Many pastors do not know or desire to properly relate with their wives. The pastor that fails to honor and esteem his wife but honors and esteems other women is a recipe for disaster. Most male pastors treat their wives with contempt, disrespect, and like dirt. Most male pastors treat a female congregant better than their wives.

The sinful secret life of a pastor is the root cause. When porn and self gratification, commonly called masturbation is heavily in the life of a pastor, he will relationally and sexually distance himself from his wife. The wife will do everything in her power to save her marriage, however, when the husband’s heart is out of sync with God, ultimately, it spills over into his relationship with his wife.

When a man of God knows how to “perform” his ministerial duties like a robot on command, when it is time to stop performing, the real person shows up. He acts the part in front of the church, but lurking inside is the evil venom that porn produces.

Porn is perfect sex, with perfect submissive women, to give man perfect pleasures.

ALL LIES!!!!!

In a pastor’s delusional world, he will compare every woman against his wife. And when he is done, he will only have contempt, anger, and bitterness towards his wife. When Sister Suzy Cue comes, he is completely mesmerized and under her spell.

To prevent sexual scandals, a pastor must maintain his relationship with his wife no matter how “perfect” other women come. He must also regain “sexual sobriety” by prayer, the Word, and personal accountability partners that provide unavoidable, inescapable measurable accountability standards. He must also have a good relationship with his wife, including sex. Sexual sobriety is the ability to experience sex in healthy ways. This includes being able to do without sex or masturbation for sexual sobriety to be achieved.

He must honor and esteem his wife in front of the congregation at all times. It must be truthful and balanced. It must not be one sided. All husbands could say that the relationship is good but the congregation need to hear from the wife as the counter balance.

Pastor Roger Jamison said this to me and it is true. If you want to find out about the truth of all scandals, the majority of the time, all you have to do is look to the wife.

Number three, his relationship with his peers.

Quality time with your peers in transparent accountability will help to keep most pastors from sexual scandals.

This is the most difficult part. Male pastors love to protect their image. They want to appear smart, good looking, and “anointed.” Any blemish and they feel inferior or less than a man. When sexual stuff is discussed, it’s the taboo subject among men of God. When porn and masturbation is discussed, forget it. They will not show up to discuss it.

Why?

The secrecy.

If it could be kept a secret, and if nobody knows, then I can keep my secret activities going. All uncovered sex scandals is just a revelation of an ongoing sex scandal that took place, perhaps years ago. The first porn magazine or movie combined with masturbation. The first sexual encounter with a woman outside of marriage.

Molestation or incest or sibling sexual encounters. These activities have bound many men of God from pouring their sexual lives out because of the shame associated with it.

Granted, safe places must be established where the boundaries are established and where prayer, the Word, help, righteous judgment confrontation, and healing is ministered in a non condemning, compassionate way according to Romans 8:1-2, Galatians 6:1-2 and James 5:16.

If you don’t feel safe you will continue to escape.

Number four, his relationship with his congregants.

When a pastor betrays his trust, it is because they have crossed the line from helping people to helping themselves to sexually take advantage of an emotionally vulnerable female congregant.
On the other hand, there are boundaries that women do cross to set themselves up to connect with an “anointed” married or not, man of God.
In both instances, both are at fault. A pastor must maintain his professional distance to preserve the integrity of the office he claims to have received from the Lord. A pastor’s wife said that she didn’t mind if and when her husband complimented the beauty and dress of another congregant.
I beg to differ.
Traps are set all the time. Even in the most subtle ways.
Everything may not be a trap but why leave it to chance?
You would be surprise how long something could be meditated upon. Words of complement goes a long way in a woman’s world. So there must be caution at all times.
Sadly, women that do not experience compliments, let alone connections with men will attempt to connect with a man of God. The spiritual aura observed by woman upon a man of God is sometimes too much of an allure to resist. For some strange reason, the anointing is perceived as power and the man has to have something to make himself look attractive.
For a pastor to cross the line and compliment a woman, it makes her beam. It is called “The Law of Attraction.” Then it turns into a Fatal Attraction. When you are attracted sexually to a man of God, it is best that you find another church. It’s even better if you get help as well as search for another local church.
When a man of God fails to operate in complete integrity towards any member of his congregation, it is tailor made that a scandal can happen. To keep things on the professional level is difficult for pastors because he wants to be accessible to all of God’s people.
However, such accessibility must have restrictions because not everyone comes to church for the right reasons.
LADIES: Find your own husband if you are married. Single women, keep your distance from a married man of God. Trouble could be avoided when you maintain your distance.
PASTORS: Never counsel women by yourself. It is an invitation for sexual scandals. Should it become necessary to counsel a woman, refer them to your wife, if she is capable to minster to them. Refer her to an elderly woman in your church that has prayer and the wisdom of God on her life to impart wisdom to the younger ones. Or she must be counseled with your wife present.
No excuses or exemptions.
Look for the subtle traps they set. Leaving personal items in the pastor’s study. Leaving hotel or apartment or house keys at the church. Long personal conversations. Exchanging telephone or cell phone numbers. Doing personal favors. Riding with the pastor alone.
All of these are traps designed to set you up for failure.
When an attempt of a Jezebel spirit came before our church, my wife and I set the church on a prayer watch. It worked. When you have a prayer group, predominantly women intercessory prayer group that knows what to look for in the church, it is just a matter of time before the wool on a wolf causes the wolf to experience heat exhaustion.
PASTOR’S WIVES: Never assume innocence. Sadly, there was a time where innocent things appear to be just that. These days, that’s how covert sexually immoral activities start. It’s not that you are to be suspect of every person that comes to your husband, however, the devil is crafty and subtle. If your husband is smitten by a woman, he will not see it coming because his memory banks is filing everything about her.
It is your job to “remind” him to be careful.
When he doesn’t want to listen, you have to be very persuasive. If necessary, use tactful ways to let the women know that your husband is your husband. Serving notice on other suspecting women will help keep your husband safe.

You do not have to trip on folks. What you are doing is preventing disaster to your marriage and your church.

The devil does send “plants” called the immoral woman (I call them Moabite women) and he also sends the Jezebel. The immoral woman just want male companionship to fulfill relational connection needs. Jezebels will exchange their body for power. As long as Jezebel gives Ahab the use of her body, Jezebel expects to run the kingdom.
You can have a sexually scandal free church provided you implement these and other safeguards.
If you want to keep your relationship with God, your life, your wife, your family, and your ministry, avoid the very appearance of evil and stay on the alert.
For more on this groundbreaking subject, please go to www.blogtalkradio.com/prevailingword1 for our Secret Sexual Sins series.